


All In

by Bulletproof_love



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Action & Romance, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Comfort/Angst, Crime Fighting, Crimes & Criminals, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Inspired by Law & Order (TV), NSFW
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-08
Updated: 2018-09-02
Packaged: 2019-03-15 12:46:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 36
Words: 39,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13613676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bulletproof_love/pseuds/Bulletproof_love
Summary: Rafael Barba never meant for it to happen but now he wasn’t sure he ever wanted it to end.





	1. Chapter One

 

   

    When Detective Jennifer Davis first met ADA Rafael Barba, she hated him. From the moment she had laid eyes on him in the court room along side Detective Olivia Benson and Captain Steven Harris she had known that he was going to be a gigantic pain in the ass.

    Her suspicions were confirmed during the interview he had conducted in his office later on that day with their victim erotica author Jocelyn Paley. To his credit Barba had warned Jocelyn that by the time the trial was over she would not like him. Jen had had to bite her lower lip to keep a small smile from creeping across her features, when Jocelyn had responded with how much she already disliked him.

    The interview itself had been brutal. Barba was brash and unrelenting. Despite Liv’s tactile warnings he had continued to spear Jocelyn, every time he sensed a weak point. It had been clear to Jen that Barba received no enjoyment in the dance that he had led, his questions were methodical, his words snagging on the details that he knew the defense would try to trip them up on.

    Even then, Jen acknowledged that he was a clever man, one that clearly functioned on an alarming amount of caffeine. The cogs were always turning inside of his head and she had to admit most days he seemed to be two steps ahead of everybody else.

    At the time she had considered him egotistical. Now however she understood that he wore his intellect like shield, the same way those stylish, expensive suits were part of his armor. It was in the courtroom where Barba really shined.

    Watching him stalk in front of the jury laying out their case piece by piece was captivating. He was the ringmaster of a circus that he had managed to construct, seemingly always in control of his environment. It was when Barba had allowed Adam Cain to loop the belt around his throat that Jen had felt her pulse quicken. The moment that Cain had lost control and choked Barba with the offending item almost had Jen vaulting across the court room. It was only Olivia’s calming hand on her arm that stopped her from raising to her feet.

    It had been over in matter of seconds. Cain had released the belt, leaving Barba momentarily gasping for air. The ADA didn’t miss a beat, he had torn the belt from his throat before hammering home the final nail in Cain’s coffin. Getting Cain to show his violent side had been a clever move, a risky one but neither-less very clever.

    It was only afterwards when she bumped into Barba at Carlito’s, a quiet little bar she attended a couple of blocks away from the precinct, that she got the true measure of the man. When she entered the place he’d been perched on a bar stool, sipping what she now knew to be top shelf scotch. A book had been resting on the shiny, dark wood bar in front of him, the remains of one of the specials on a square plate beside it.

    His colorful tie was gone, leaving the first two buttons of his tailored white shirt undone. The sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, revealing tanned muscular forearms. Surprisingly the watch on his wrist did not look expensive, to Jen that was perhaps the first sign that there was more to Rafael Barba than she had originally thought.

    “I see you found my hideaway.” he had greeted her, removing his suit jacket from the stool alongside of him and indicating for her to sit.

    “Actually Counselor, you appear to have found mine.” she informed him, dropping into the offered seat despite there being plenty of empty stools lining the bar. She paused for a moment to motion to Anthony, the bartender that she’d have her usual.

    “Ah, so you’re a regular here.” Barba had uttered, tilting the glass tumbler towards her.

    His evergreen eyes had fixated upon her ivory features and for the first time the two of them actually looked at one another. Jen had never asked him what he saw in her that night but there had been a spark there, a glint of something in those astute eyes of his.

    “You’re crazy.” the words had slipped out of her mouth before she could stop them and to her surprise Barba had laughed. It was a genuine sound that vibrated through the air and left Jen with a feeling of warmth somewhere deep down inside of her.

    “There’s a fine line between insanity and genius.” he returned before taking a sip from his scotch glass.

    “Putting that belt in his hands was a stroke of genius.” Jen agreed before tilting her head to one side as if reconsidering. “Goading him into choking you with it, not so much.”

    “But I had you there to protect me though, right Detective?” he pointed out, tipping his glass to her once more. There was a teasing gleam in his eye, one that still surprised Jen even after after all the time they had spent together.

    “Always Councillor.” she had replied, reaching for the glass of Merlot that Anthony had placed upon the bar alongside her, her eyes still firmly fixed on Rafael Barba. “Always.”

    ———————————————————————-

    The sun was starting to raise, Jen could see the grey light flickering between the shades in the dark bedroom as she slipped away from the comforting warmth of the man sleeping beside of her. The air was chilly as she reached for her discarded charcoal grey shirt and pulled it on over the top of her tangled, dark curls. The shirt fell just past her thighs, covering the slender cursive tattoo that decorated her left thigh.

    “Sneaking out?”

    Rafael’s voice was gruff with sleep as he propped his head up on one hand, his evergreen eyes fixated on her as she glanced back at him over her shoulder. His usually neat dark hair was tousled from where she had run her fingers through it earlier that night. His cool white sheet were pooled around his waist, his fingertips dragging the fabric even lower down along his dark treasure trail. The motion was alluring, Jen felt a flush of heat rushing through her synapses as she remembered the blazing hot trail his hands left when he caressed her skin.

    “Leaving you to sleep in.” she murmured, her unruly waves falling over her pretty features hiding her expression from his view.

    “Come back to bed.” he urged, that rough voice of his turning sultry, his dark eyebrows raised and full of intention. “I promise I’ll make it worth your while.”

    He would make good on that promise. She knew that from the way he’d touched her last night, with roving hands and his exploring mouth. The things he had whispered in her ear...

    Jesus, it made her wet just thinking about them...

    Before she knew it, she was already back in his bed. Her thighs straddled his hips as Rafael’s hands trailed up underneath the material of the shirt. His evergreen eyes fixated on her face as his agile fingertips brushed a loose curl back behind her ear, his thumb stroking the blush of her cheek.

    “You really are deplorable.” Jen whispering against his lips. His left palm splaying across her lower back as his fingertips traced a fiery path up along the curve of her spine.

    “If you really thought that you wouldn’t be here in my bed...” he murmured before letting out a low, throaty moan, his head tipping back into the pillow as Jen’s hot flesh melded with his. “...doing that.”

    “That’s the first time I’ve had you rendered speechless Counselor.” Jen murmured, that wicked smile of hers crossing those pretty pert lips.

    For the first time in his life Rafael Barba said nothing, he simply lay back and enjoyed the ride.

    


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both Barba and Jen reflect on how they ended up at this point.

The spring air was invigorating, at least that was what Sonny Carasi thought after spending three hours trapped upstairs in the bullpen working through police reports. It was a long and monotonous task, one that numbed his brain as he tapped away constantly on his keyboard. So when his partner Jen Davis had suggested they take a walk to get the good coffee from the place around the corner he had practically leaped out of his seat.

Now the two of them were enjoying the bright, crisp sun, meandering back towards the 16th Precinct, sipping mochas from their take away cups. Beside him Jen was walking with a spring in her step, and if he was honest Sonny was glad to see it. The past few months had not been kind to either of them, their memories were still tainted with the horror of finding Keisha Ozuna dehydrated and starving in that puppy cage. The event itself was enough to give him nightmares but to discover the sheer amount of children that social services supervisor Janette Grayson had failed...

Even Barba's voice had cracked with emotion when he detailed the abuse they had suffered.

Cigarette burns, being made to drink bleach...

Even now the images from those cases, the ones that social services had neglected to follow up on still haunted Sonny. He was a firm believer in the system and to see it fail like that, it had shaken his faith.

The impact on Jen though...

He hadn't been the only one to notice the weight she carried after that case, how worn she had looked when she'd come in for her shift, day after day. There had been a darkness in her that she couldn't seem to shake off. He knew that Liv had taken her aside, he never knew what the summary of that conversation was but he could guess.

"Someone seems chipper today." Carasi observed casually casting a glance at his partner as she walked alongside of him, white coffee cup in one hand her phone in the other as she texted out a message with her thumb. "Not that that's a bad thing. I'm just making the point it's nice to see you smile again."

Her tousled waves fell just past her chin as she tilted her head up to meet his gaze, slipping her cellphone into the pocket of her slate grey, leather jacket. In the past few weeks she had undergone a few major changes, her usually dark hair was highlighted with a warm honey blond, balayage he thought his sister Gina called the technique. She'd cut it shorter than he had ever seen on her during the past two years of working together. The style suited her, framing her oval features.

"Yes." she acknowledged as the two of them slowed their pace to a dawdle. "I just couldn't shake that case."

"I still have nightmares about it." Sonny confessed, those expressive blue eyes of his lowering as he fiddled with the white plastic lid on the cup.

That was the thing about Sonny, he was always in motion. If he wasn't playing with something in his hands, he was constantly gesturing with them. If his arms were crossed, then his legs were moving, whether shifting from side to side or even jangling his knee or ankle. In the beginning of their partnership it had driven her crazy, these days it was a sign that everything was right in his world.

"You talk to anyone about it?" Jen asked Sonny.

He glanced up, his lips pursed together grimly as he nodded.

"My priest." he admitted, swigging his coffee before prompting her. "You?"

"Liv recommended a counselor. The same guy she saw after the whole thing with William Lewis." Jen revealed, clasping the cup close to her chest. It was a comfort thing, something Carisi had observed that she did when she needed a moment to draw strength. "It helped."

There was a comfortable silence between the two as they fell into step once more.

"If it's the one thing I've learned it's that talking helps." Sonny said jovially, bumping his shoulder intentionally against Jen's in a show of solidarity. "If you ever need to vent..."

He trailed off leaving the sentence hanging in the air between them.

"Likewise." Jen responded, clinking her coffee cup against his in acknowledgement of the promise they had made.

* * *

Jennifer was beautiful, Rafael had never realized just how stunning she was until he had her in his bed. The sound of his name rolling off of her lips at the pinnacle of climax has been enough to tip him over the edge as they made love in the darkness of his bedroom.

He thought of the way her soft skin felt pressing against his own as he kissed her into oblivion. What had started as hard and fast had become slow and tender after they had stripped each other of their clothes. He had taken his time with her, using his fingers and tongue explore every aspect of her wanton form as she had stroked, tasted and teased every inch of his own body. There was something about that woman that lit a fire deep down inside of him and when the two of them together...

It was like a god damned inferno.

The surprising aspect of their encounter was the fact Rafael had never seen it coming. Sure, the two of them flirted when they were alone together, he thought it was part of the founding principles of their friendship. It was part of the unique chemistry that bonded the two of them together.

They had grown close over the past four years, ever since that night they had bumped into each other at Carlito's. After a verdict in one of their cases, no matter what happened the two of them would always end up in that place, sharing a drink, eating a meal. It was part of an unspoken agreement the two of them had forged and at the end of the day they enjoyed each other's company.

Last night had started the same way as any other. The two of them had been sitting at the bar as usual at Carolito's, sharing a meal whilst discussing the Lane Baker verdict. He didn't know which one of them had been happier when the jury had come back with a guilty verdict on Pastor Gregory Eldon. Jen had done the legwork, building the case from the ground up before narrowly preventing the marriage of thirteen year old Lane Baker to her rapist. Winning over the jurors had been an uphill battle when it came to Lane's credibility but the evidence was as clear as day. Afterward Rafael had felt immense satisfaction as he watched the young pastor receive his sentence.

It wasn't until they got outside that things had changed, it was usually at this point in their evening that Barba would put Jen in a cab and tell the driver to make sure she got to the front door safely. Still in a celebratory mood, the two of them had decided to walk and it wasn't until they found themselves on the doorstep of his own house that they realised just how quickly time seemed to slip by. He'd invited her inside with the intention of calling her an Uber but he never got around to making that call.

They'd ended up in his study, drinking that expensive blend of scotch that he had been saving for a special occasion. Jen had complimented the crystal decanter his grandmother had given him for graduating Harvard, he recalled the way her fingertips played over the etched shapes before she had replaced it back upon the side board.

He didn't know who started the kiss, all he remembered was how soft her lips felt as they caressed his. At that moment it was like the floodgates had opened and Rafael had found himself drowning in the sensation of euphoria that erupted through his body. He had no idea how they made it to his bedroom, although he had found his shirt at the bottom of the stairs, his trousers on landing and he still hadn't managed to locate the tie he had been wearing that night.

Speaking of the tie...

He picked up his phone from the surface of his desk before quickly swiping his finger across the screen and selecting Jen's contact details before he began to type out a message.

_Missing: One red, white and blue tie._

_Last Seen: In your possession._

_Current Whereabouts: Unknown._


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An exchange of texts between the SVU Squad

    Rafael Barba:

    Missing: One red, white and blue tie.

    Last Seen: In your possession.

    Current Whereabouts: Unknown.

    Jen Davis:

    Missing: One pair of black lace panties.

    Last Seen: Your bedroom.

    Current Whereabouts: Unknown.

    Rafael Barba: I may have a lead on their current location.

    Jen Davis: And how do I procure this information?

    Rafael Barba: By returning to the scene of the crime. Exchanging information could be mutually beneficial for both parties.

    Jen Davis: Text me when you are available and I’ll be there.

    ——————————————————-

    Jess Hartley: Hi, I just wanted to say thank you for picking up lunch the other day. It was great getting to know you a little better outside of a workplace environment.

    Sonny Carisi: Hi Doc, it’s nice to hear from you. I had a great time at lunch the other day. I was thinking dinner? Maybe somewhere away from the food truck outside the hospital this time?

    Jess Hartley: Detective Carisi... Are you asking me out on a date?

    Sonny Carisi: I’m blushing here!

    Sonny Carisi: Picture message attached.

    Jess Hartley: You actually are!

    Sonny Carisi: So... Me, you, great food.

    Jess Hartley: I could go for some great food, could do with some great company too if you think you can provide that.

    Sonny Carisi: I should be able to manage that :)

    Jess Hartley: Text me your schedule and I’ll let you know what works best :)

    ————————————————-

    Amanda Rollins: I heard you had to exhume a body today.

    Jen Davis: Fin told me he was sending you the pictures. Is he still giving you a running commentary via text?

    Amanda Rollins: 8 kids, 4 mothers, 1 father. That man needed to learn how to use a condom.

    Jen Davis: He certainly was ‘virile’, the weird thing was none of the moms had a bad word to say about him.

    Amanda Rollins: Did he know about the other kids? Not that it makes it any less forgivable.

    Jen Davis: At least one set, he took his first batch of kids by his actual wife to meet the twins he had by another woman.

    Amanda Rollins: What a scumbag. And the wife had no idea?

    Jen Davis: Not until we told her.

    Amanda Rollins: I bet that went down like a lead balloon.

    Jen Davis: The look she gave Dodds, I think she was ready to murder him. Enough about the case, how are you feeling?

    Amanda Rollins: Bed rest is exactly what it says on the tin. I feel like I’m going out of my mind just sitting here waiting for this baby to make an appearance.

    Jen Davis: You don’t have long left now, only a couple of weeks and then baby Rollins will be the newest member of the SVU family.

    Amanda Rollins: It can’t come quickly enough, I’m telling you if I have to watch anymore reruns of Duck Dynasty I may scream.

    ————————————-

    Mike Dodds: I miss you.

    Daniel Vaughn: I miss you too. Are you ok?

    Mike Dodds: Can’t a guy just text his boyfriend to let him knows he misses him.

    Daniel Vaughn: Yes a certain detective can do that however it is a little unusual. So tell me are you ok?

    Mike Dodds: Yea, yea I’m good.

    Daniel Vaughn: I can tell when your lying to me, even over text.

    Mike Dodds: ... it’s just a bad day. There was a case, it didn’t end well.

    Daniel Vaughn: I’m sorry Mike... I wish I was there to hold you right now.

    Mike Dodds: Nah, your doing important work.

    Daniel Vaughn: So are you. Listen don’t wallow in this, it will drive you crazy. Talk to someone from the team, or your dad, just don’t get trapped inside your own head.

    Mike Dodds: I gotta go.

    Daniel Vaughn: Promise me Mike.

    Mike Dodds: I’ll try.

    ———————————————————

    Jen Davis: So bed rest seems to be driving Amanda quietly mad.

    Sonny Carisi: Not so quietly from the texts I’ve been getting off her, she’s already spoiled last night’s game and the latest episode of Heart’s Desire for me.

    Jen Davis: I don’t get how the two of you can watch that show.

    Sonny Carisi: Hey, someone’s got to be a romantic around here.

    Jen Davis: I’ll let it slide... For now.

    Sonny Carisi: Oh by the way, a few of us are going over to Amanda’s after shift. She’s been living on take out over the past few days so I’m gonna cook.

    Jen Davis: Rain check, but do me a favor and ask Dodds to go along. I think he could do with the respite after everything that’s happened today.

    Sonny Carisi: Yea, he seems to be taking the case pretty hard. I’ll ask him. So do you have somewhere better to be tonight?

    Jen Davis: Maybe I just want a quiet night in.

    Sonny Carisi: Just so you know I do not believe that for a single second. You never turn down a home cooked meal. He got a name?

    Jen Davis: I don’t know what your talking about.

    Sonny Carisi: I’ll let you keep your secret for now but if it starts getting serious, I want the guy’s name and social security number.

    ——————————————-

    Mike Dodds: I know that you told Carisi to invite me. Thank you... I needed this.

    Jen Davis: Sometimes you just need to get out of your own head. What happened with Lily... She was gone as soon as she climbed into his van. You did the right thing and followed the protocols down to the letter. Sometimes we just don’t get lucky.

    Mike Dodds: I just feel if I had taken it more seriously...

    Jen Davis: That is the learning curve. You think that nobody else has been through something like this? It’s a hard lesson to learn but once you’ve learned it, it makes you a better person, a better cop.

    Mike Dodds: I know you’re right. Will you be around for nightcap after we’ve finished up here? I’ve got a few things I wanna get off my chest.

    Jen Davis: Mike... I don’t think that’s a good idea. You are my Sergeant now and things between us... We work better as colleagues than we ever did as a couple. I’ll see you in the morning Sergeant.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael discovers Jen isn't wearing any panties...

    There was something so thrilling about having Jennifer’s black lace panties residing in the front pocket of his navy blue suit trousers. Rafael’s hand delved into the recesses of his pocket, his thumb caressing the fabric as he remembered how deviant it had felt stripping them from her athletic form. It made his cock twitch thinking about the sound she made when he had touched her bare skin.

    Even now he could barely keep his eyes off her. She’d arrived just a few minutes ago, wearing a figure hugging black dress that highlighted everyone of her feminine assets. He felt that exhilarating rush of arousal purse through him as her dress slipped a little way up her thigh revealing just a peek of that pretty, delicate tattoo of hers. He hadn’t known that she had one until he had her in his bed, his fingertips roving up along those shapely legs of hers.

    He could feel her eyes on him as he stood in his kitchen, the bottle of red wine uncorked on the counter alongside the corkscrew, allowing it to breath. He turned to face her, his gaze heated as he watched her perch intentionally on the edge of his dining table, the hem of that dress sliding even higher than before.

    “I believe these belong to you.” he uttered, removing the black lace underwear from the pocket of his trousers with a flourish and holding them up in his right hand for her to see.

    “Rafael,” she said his name deliberately, her tone sultry as she arched a dark eyebrow. “Have you been carrying them around with you all day?”

    The way she said his name sent a delicious shiver running all the way up along his spine. She knew what it did to him when she used his first name. At work he was strictly Barba, just like she was Jen but here in his house they were so much more than that. When she was with him like this he called her Jennifer, letting the name roll of his tongue as he made love to her. To her he was Rafael, his name sounding reverent on her lips as she spoke it.

    “Every time I’ve reached into my pocket all I’ve thought about is you.” he informed her, approaching slowly, his movements purposeful as he came to stand in front of her. He placed the panties down upon the dining room table, his devious fingers trailing along the inside of her parted thighs as his hips came to rest between them. They were inches apart, he could hear his sky blue shirt rustling against the fabric of her dress as his evergreen gaze fixated on hers. “All I could think about is the noises you made when I got down on my knees just like this.”

    He demonstrated his thoughts by following through with his actions, his mischievous fingertips delving under her dress as his lips sought out a hot, sordid path towards his goal. His teeth grazed that sensuous spot, the one he had found just this morning on her inner thigh, causing her to cry out suddenly, her fingers grasping at his hair. He raised his head, pausing his ministrations for a moment as that wicked smile curved across his handsome features.

    “Jennifer,” he spoke in that husky, calculated tone of his. “You’re not wearing any panties.”

    He loved that he did that to her, that he could bring out this dirty side of his beautiful detective. Already her hitched breathing was ringing in his ears as he guided her lithe legs over his shoulders. Her head tipped back, her hair falling across her shoulders in rapture as his heated breath ghosted across her slick naked sex.

    The sight of him on his knees, before her, still dressed in his shirt, suspenders and trousers drove Jen insane. Knowing that she could make him lose control like this stoked the desire inside of her like a wanton inferno. Rafael’s hands slid underneath the hem of her dress, grasping her ass in his palms. His tongue teased her most intimate area causing Jen’s to breath his name, her fingers twisting in his hair as he held her in place.

    That crescendo was building inside of her, the waves of ecstasy swept over every inch of her body, her hips rocking against him as Rafael brought her to the very pinnacle of release. The noise she made when she came was enough to almost send him completely over the edge. His cock was rock hard and straining in the confines of his trousers as he withdrew from his kneeling position and rose to his feet, his hips fitting perfectly between her thighs. Her pretty pale skin was rosy and flushed, her vivid doe brown eyes fixed on him as she struggled to catch her breath. His hands cupped her beauteous features, his thumbs stroking over the blush of her soft cheek bones as he pressed his forehead lightly against hers. Her dainty hands came to rest on his chest, smoothing over the hard planes his body through his shirt. His control was threadbare, Rafael could feel his muscles quivering as her fingertips roved over the contours of his chest before dipping lower to undo the snaps of his suspenders.

    “More?” he questioned.

    “I want all of you.” she told him, her eyes dark with desire as she fumbled with the button on his trousers.

    His hand mingled in her tousled curls, gripping her hair in a tight fist as he guided her mouth back to his, kissing her until she was needy and breathless. His shirt was the very last thing to go as he took her right there on the dining table. They rocked against each other, her nails raking his back as she whispered words dirty words into his ear, ones that he had fantasied about for years. She bit down hard on his shoulder when she climaxed, her inner walls tensing around him as that explosion of pain mixed with the most exquisite pleasure ricocheted like a thousand fireworks under his skin. The orgasm hit him like a freight train, stealing away his breath and leaving his knees weak as he leaned into Jennifer, his face pressed her curve of her throat as she held onto him for dear life.

    “Christ, you’re going to be the death of me.” he murmured into her ear, half seriously.

    She laughed, he could feel that decant noise vibrating through her chest as his own heart hammered against his ribs. Her words were teasing, leaving Rafael smiling into her neck as she responded to his concession.

    “It would be fun way to go though right Councillor?”

    

    


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jen informs Liv of her decision to stay in SVU.

It was early when Mike woke up to the sensation of Daniel's day old stubble grazing the tender skin in the curve of his neck. His lover's mischievous lips fastened on that deviant spot, the one just under the hinge of his jaw causing Mike to let out a low throaty moan as his hand reached back and threaded through Daniel's mused hair.

He could feel the plains of Daniel's naked chest pressing against his back, his arousal pressing against just the right place as he slowly rocked his hips. Mike's head tipped back allowing Daniel's inquisitive mouth more access to his needy flesh.

"Don't stop." Mike uttered as his lover's skilled hands began to roam the contours of his body through the thin fabric of his t-shirt.

"Handsome, I'm just getting started." Daniel drawled, his breath ghosting in Mike's ear, sending a pinpricks of anticipation chasing up along the length of the detective's spine. He nipped that tender spot, the one that he knew drove Mike insane as his hand delved into his lover's clinging boxer shorts.

"So hard for me already." he whispered, thrusting slightly against Mike's taunt ass as he wrapped his long fingers around his sexy deteive's's leaking cock. "I love how I can do that to you."

The noise that Mike made, it was music to Daniel's ears as he began to slowly stroke his lover's throbbing member. Fuck, they'd only been apart five days and he could barely wait to get his hands on his boyfriend. His suit cases were still piled up by the door from when he'd let himself into Mike's apartment with the key his lover had given him. He'd managed to catch an earlier flight and the first person he'd wanted to see was Mike. Seeing his boyfriend wrapped up in those freshly laundered sheets of his...

It made him realize just how integral this man had become in his life. It didn't matter where he ended up, with all the places his job took him it was hard to find a place that felt like home. However whenever he was with Mike, where ever they were...

It felt like Daniel had found his place in the world.

Mike arched against him, his ragged breathing punctuated with husky groans as Daniel picked up the pace, his hand pumping his lover's demanding cock faster now. He tipped his hips just a little, biting down on the curve of Mike's shoulder as that delicious friction sent a thrill of heat through him.

"Come for me." he murmured against his lover's marked skin as Mike's entire body began to tense, his grip in Daniel's hair grew tight making Daniel moan out loud. "Show me how much you missed me."

His words tipped Mike over the edge, he thrust into Daniel's grasp, crying out his lover's name as the orgasm tore through his athletic form. Daniel continue to kiss him, his lips chasing over the curve of his lover's neck as Mike leaned back against him spent.

"Good morning sunshine." Daniel said quietly, that sexy smile crossing his worn features as he cuddled against Mike's blissful form. Mike settled into his lover's embrace, closing his eyes for a moment while he struggled to catch his breath.

"Love you." he mumbled, the back of his dark head coming to rest against Daniel's chest as he whispered.

"I love you too."

* * *

Liv's office had always been a safe haven for Jen. When the storms in their lives were at their very worst, the two of them would sit in here and right the wrongs of the world over a couple of sodas and snacks from the vending machine. There was a homely feel to the place, one that she knew was due to the person who was sitting directly across from her behind the large desk. There was a warmth that radiated from Liv, an empathy and a compassion that touched the lives of those around her. It made Jen want to be a better a better cop, a better person.

Liv gave her that sincere smile of hers as she leaned back in her chair, her whiskey colored eyes fixated on the younger detective.

"So it's been a couple of weeks since we last checked in with one another." Liv said openly. "I just wanted to sit down and catch up with how you were doing."

Her body language was friendly, amicable even, leaving Jen feeling completely at ease as Liv steered the conversation. She had known that this was coming, this would be the third chat they had had since Jen had returned to work three months ago. The monthly check ins had become mandatory after she had completely lost her shit during the Keisha Ozuna case. She'd ended up in Liv's office breaking down and bawling her eyes out for what seemed like hours as she recounted the violent, sickness she felt writhing around inside of her. She had meant the things she had said at the time about leaving SVU, about this job eating her up from the inside. She had barely been able eat, she hadn't been able to sleep because every time she closed her damn eyes she just kept seeing the images of those children, the ones that social services had let down, the ones like Keisha.

"Better." Jen concluded honestly. "Speaking to Doctor Lindstrom helped me deal with some of the trauma, we're still working through a lot of things but talking to him..." she trailed off for a second trying to select the right words. "...it's been helping me to move forward with my life."

"I'm glad you're continuing to see him." Olivia spoke genuinely, Jen could hear the veracity of it in her words as the other woman picked up a pen and began tap it lightly upon the desk. "I know how the job can take over your life, the toll it takes on a person."

"It started long before the Keisha case." Jen admitted to her Lieutenant, her gaze focusing on something distant, something Olivia couldn't see. "I was getting burned out and then we found Keisha and it was like something inside of me just snapped."

"I've been there." Olivia reminded her, her thoughts drifting back briefly to William Lewis before she turned her attention back to the woman in front of her. "It's important to keep something something for yourself, that you can go home, talk to someone you love and make sure that this job doesn't become your life."

"It gets easier each day." Jen told her Lieutenant, her tone resolute as she spoke. "Right now SVU is where I need to be."

Olivia looked up at her, her whisky colored eyes fixed upon Jen as she studied the other woman intently. In the four years that they had known each other Olivia thought she had gotten a fair measure of the younger detective. She had noticed the warning signs from the onset of the Keisha Ozuna case, the dark circles and snarling temper had just been the very beginning and it hadn't taken her long to realise that Jen had been traumatized by the events of that day.

It had been Jen that had cradled Keisha in her arms, talking to her in that low soothing way of hers as she supporting her malnourished body. Liv had called in the ambulance whilst Carisi had secured the rest of the trashed apartment but they'd found that dehydrated little girl far too late. At the hospital her organs had begun to shut down, one by one until she had slipped away into the night. There had been a vengeance in Jen after that, one that consumed her in a way that Olivia recognized in herself from when she had beaten William Lewis within an inch of his life with a steel bar. There was no doubt in her mind that if Jen had gotten anywhere near Janette Grayson, after they had discovered all of the other kids that social services had neglected she would have lost control.

She'd taken a couple of weeks leave after that. Liv had recommended the name of a therapist and with a little coercion she had finally taken the time to see him. Over the past few months Liv had started to see that lively, dedicated detective coming back and she was glad that Jen had changed her mind about transferring out of SVU.

"Well ok then." Olivia said with an earnest smile as her clasped hands came to rest upon the surface of her desk. "I'm glad you've decided to stick around."


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Squad Texts

 

    Jen Davis: So no luck on locating your missing tie however I did find something else you took off last night.

    Rafael Barba: Show me.

    Jen Davis: Picture Message Attached.

    Rafael Barba: The thought of you wearing nothing underneath that shirt...

    Jen Davis: Picture Message Attached.

    Rafael Barba: Next time you decide to put on one of my shirts make sure I’m there to take it off of you. That’s an order.

    Jen Davis: And if I don’t?

    Rafael Barba: Bad girls get spanked.

    Jen Davis: Are you going to put me over your knee Counselor? Show me what a naughty girl I’ve been?

    Rafael Barba: It’s a promise.

    ————————————-

    Jen Davis: Are you serious? Hodda decided not to take the plea?

    Olivia Benson: Trust me I’m as surprised as you are. You should have seen Barba’s face I thought he was going to have a coronary. Hodda fired his lawyer and has hired Hassler.

    Jen Davis: This is complete madness!

    Olivia Benson: Actually Jen, it gets worse. He’s saying the confession was coerced.

    Jen Davies: Liv, we followed procedure. That confession is rock solid.

    Olivia Benson: I know that but it’s what Hassler is mounting her defense on.

    Jen Davies: We still have the kidnapping charges.

    Olivia Benson: Actually we don’t. Wyatt’s mother doesn’t want him to testify, she says he’s too traumatized to take the stand.

    Jen Davies: ... I have no idea what to say. Is Barba still bringing him up on charges for Hector? That evidence is sixteen years old and circumstantial at best.

    Olivia Benson: You know Barba he’s gonna try his damnedest.

    ————————————————————-

    Sonny Carisi: That hearing was awesome!

    Jen Davis: You are the only one what seems to think so.

    Sonny Carisi: You should have seen the finess of it all Jen, it’s like watching a boxing match with all the parries and jabs.

    Jen Davis: I get to see it all in live action when I take the stand after lunch. I take it you’re enjoying shadowing Barba?

    Sonny Carisi: He’s like a maestro you know? A connosire of the law if you will.

    Jen Davis: If you could only hear yourself right now. You have such a man crush.

    Sonny Carisi: Loud and proud, the man’s got game Jen I’m telling you.

    Jen Davis: I’m calling this fledgling romance ‘Barisi’.

    Sonny Carisi: I like it, it rolls right off the tongue. Barisi. Barisi, Barisi.

    Jen Davis: Just make sure he’s not standing behind you when you’re saying it out loud.

    ——————————————-

    Amanda Rollins: Day 599 of being on bedrest and I have lost the remote somewhere amongst the bed sheets.

    Jen Davis: And your sanity by the sound of it.

    Amanda Rollins: That would be an honest assumption.

    Jen Davis: Any day now baby Rollins is gonna make an appearance.

    Amanda Rollins: God, I hope so I’m getting sick of carrying all this weight around.

    —————————

    Jess Hartley: Hey Sonny, I just wanted to check in and see how the mentoring situation was going :)

    Sonny Carisi: I can not explain how amazing it is sitting second chair to Barba, the case is awful but watching him work, it’s like watching an artist you know?

    Jess Hartley: You are going full fanboy aren’t you?

    Sonny Carisi: Jen has deemed us Barisi. I kinda like it.

    Jess Hartley: I am literally laughing out loud right now.

    Sonny Carisi: I thought you’d like that. You free for dinner tonight? There’s this new Italian place near mine, I wanna try it and see if it lives up to the hype.

    Jess Hartley: You mean to your own lofty expectations?

    Sonny Carisi: That too. So you in?

    Jess Hartley: To be honest I’m kind of tired and I know it’s kind of nerdy but I was gonna go home and spend some time on Overwatch...

    Sonny Carisi: I love that game!

    Jess Hartley: You do?

    Sonny Carisi: Yea I spent hours playing it last night with a couple of friends.

    Jess Hartley: Next your gonna tell me you like World of Warcraft.

    Sonny Carisi: I’m in a clan. Sunday nights at 7pm we meet up, do a few quests, plan a few raids.

    Jess Hartley: I’m in a clan!

    Sonny Carisi: Send me your clan details!

    Jess Hartley: I will! Game night tonight at my place? Take out from your Italian place?

    Sonny Carisi: Yes! Text me when you get off shift!

    ———————————————

    Fin Tutuola: So that auxiliary cop is still a nut bar.

    Olivia Benson: Excellent and the news just keeps getting better and better.

    Fin Tutuola: Jen said you bumped into Huang at the courthouse.

    Olivia Benson: Yea I did, Barba says he’s testifying for the defense as their expert forensic psychologist.

    Fin Tutuola: Shut the front door! Hodda’s crazy but he’s not certifiable.

    Olivia Benson: I wish it wasn’t true but there’s nothing I can do about it. I just hope that Jen manages to change their minds about the confession.

    ————————————

    Mike Dodds: I had a great time with your parents last night, sorry I had to shoot off before dessert though.

    Daniel Vaughn: They understand duty calls. My dad’s been a doctor for over thirty five years, it’s not new to them or me.

    Mike Dodds: Good, meeting them was important to me. I’m glad I got to see where you came from.

    Daniel Vaughn: Maybe you can introduce me to your Dad soon, formally I mean.

    Mike Dodds: I did introduce you. Remember when we bumped into him at that event.

    Daniel Vaughn: I mean as your boyfriend.

    Mike Dodds: Danny you know I’m not ready for that yet.

    Daniel Vaughn: I know it’s tough but I honestly think he’ll be happy for you, for us. Promise me you’ll think about it.

    Mike Dodds: Promise.

    ——————————

    


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The lines blur between their professional and person lives...

    Jen was livid, her doe brown eyes were bright with ire as both her and Barba stood alone in the vacant court room. Her left hand was grasping the polished wood of the back pew in the gallery, her knuckles practically white as her nails dug into the varnish. Her jaw was clenched and her nostrils flaring as she exhaled deeply in an attempt to calm herself.

    “So Hassler made me look too conscientious?” she said slowly as if she was struggling to understand the words that Barba had just spoken to her.

    “She implied you were so desperate to get closure for Hector’s mother Delores that you manufactured a suspect.” Barba stated in that frank tone of his.

    His face, his voice, they were completely devoid of emotion as he watched her impatiently, his shiny expensive shoe tapping compulsively. Jen couldn’t believe this was happening, the injustice of it all incensed her. Hodda deserved to be in jail for what he had done to those little boys and now he making a mockery of not just of the police but of the closure they had attempted to afford both the victims and their families.

    “Is that what you think I did?” she bristled incredulously, her cheeks flushing at implication. “You think I created a suspect because I felt sorry for his Hector’s mom.”

    “It doesn’t matter what I think.” Barba stated, his body language giving away none of his thoughts as he reviewed the detective in front of him.“It’s about what the jury will think.”

    It didn’t matter that her reputation was on the line, that she had been essentially accused of coercing a confession from a possible child molester. His focus was on the trial and getting justice for Hector Rodriguez, Barba could not waver from that, he would not.

    “So you let her hang me out to dry?” Jen snapped, her hands coming to rest upon her hips as she drew herself up to her full height which was only a few inches shorter than his own. It was a power stance, he knew that, hell he was the king of them especially in this courtroom.

    Her words hung in the air between them. Barba could feel that fury coming off her in waves as she stood before him like a damn Valkyrie. He forgot that she was a force to be reckoned with, that there was a fierceness in her that rivaled his own. He had a job to do, she knew that, out of everyone she would understand it.

    “Table that.” he dismissed, using his hand to gesture that they were drawing a line under her statement. They were running out of time and the two of them didn’t need to be here having this argument. “You're up after lunch. Let's prep.”

    Jen’s lips clamped together in disbelief, her eyes narrowed before she huffed, snatching up her black leather messenger bag from the very last pew in the gallery and slung it over her shoulder.

    “I’m good.” she snarled at him before turning towards the door behind her. “I’ve only testified, maybe over a hundred times in my ten years as a cop.”

    “Lewis Hodda might walk if Hassler can make the jury think your emotions got in the way of your police work, which by the way is exactly what they're doing right now.” Barba retorted, his voice loud and commanding as he stood tall, the muscle in his cheek twitching as he jabbed his finger at Jen. “I need you to sit your ass down and work with me.”

    Jen stopped in her tracks, slowly twisting back towards him. Her cheeks were flushed, her eyes bright with ferocity as she fixated on him. She wanted to murder him right now, he could practically sense it. Barba didn’t back down, he didn’t break her gaze as the two of them stood deadlocked.

    His words penetrated that fury, striking a cord deep down inside of her. The logical side of Jen, the detective part of her was stepping forward, this was as important to her as it was to him. Hector Rodriguez deserved better than this, he didn’t need the two of them standing here bickering with one another, he needed them to be a team and show a united front, no matter how bad it looked.

    “Fine.” she muttered, barely concealing the iciness in her tone as she dropped her bag back onto the pew and stalked past him towards the stand. “Let’s get to work.”

    ——————————-

    It was cold that night, Rafael could feel the wind nipping at his black wool coat as he stood before the colorful mural of Hector Rodriguez, his head tilted up, his emerald eyes fixated on the young boy’s un-aging features. There was a pang in his chest, it hit him like a freight train as he watched Delores Rodriguez light those white candles, one for each of the birthdays that Hector had missed.

    He had failed that boy and his mother today. He had fought like hell to make the case against Hodda but it hadn’t been enough. Two jurors had doubted Jen’s testimony, the jury had deadlocked and after what felt like a lifetime waiting for that verdict...

    It had been declared a mistrial. He was free to go after Hodda again but without new evidence or Wyatt’s testimony there wasn’t enough to convene a new trial. In a few days time that animal would be back on the streets, moving onto the next little boy.

    His throat constricted at that knowledge, he could feel his heart wrenching against his ribs as that anguish tore him up inside. There would be blood on his hands, anything that happened after this, it would be on him. He could feel his control starting to slip, his eyes were stinging as he drew in a shaky breath.

    He didn’t need to turn his head to know that Jen was standing beside him. He’d spent enough time in her presence over the years to be able to sense when she was near. They didn’t speak, they didn’t have to. That was why the two of them worked so well.

    This thing between the two of them, it simply didn’t require words...

    Her fingers threaded through his, linking the two of them together, her thumb caressing the arch of his hand tenderly. He tilted his head towards her, his gaze dropping. He couldn’t seem to look her in the eyes right now, he knew the instant he did that she would see everything. They had shared a lot of things over the years but his misery, he wasn’t sure if he could let another person see that side of him.

    “Rafael...” she whispered his name.

    Her hand was on his cheek, her fingertips soothing over his weary features. He leaned into her touch, his eyes closing briefly as he savored it. She was a reprieve from the harsh world they lived in, a safe space. There was no judgement in her, he needed that, hell if he was honest with himself he needed her.

    “Jennifer...” he whispered, opening his eyes so that she could see every single ounce of the sorrow that encumbered him. “...take me home.”

    


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jen finally sees the man behind the mask.

    Jen was in the kitchen when she heard Rafael beginning to play the piano that resided inside the living room of his home. It was tentative at first, the gentle tapping of those ivory keys as his fingertips dallied upon each one. He had said nothing during the journey to his house, he had simply stared out of the window of their Uber, his gaze far away and distant.

    It had been a long time since she had seen him so withdrawn, the man she was used to, put up a front and played off his troubles with that smug smile of his and those brilliant challenging eyes. Today thought, today was different. Losing that case had hit him right in the heart and she could feel him unraveling with every breath he took.

    She was dropping ice cubes into each of their tumblers when that gradual melody began to drift throughout the house, it was hauntingly beautiful. Her chest ached as he began to sing, that raw, angelic voice of his tugging at her heart strings as he choked out the words to Lenard Cohen’s Hallelujah. There was a pain there, she could hear it in the coarse anguish that resonated through his voice.

    Emotion gripped her, that grief that he buried deep down inside of him, it was coming out in waves as he continued the song. She didn’t remember seeking him out, but she did remember pausing in the door way as her eyes lingered on his rigid form. His suit jacket was gone, in an uncharacteristic show of carelessness he had thrown it onto the couch in a heap along with his tie. The sleeves of his white and blue checkered shirt were rolled up to his elbows so that his dexterous hands could move across the keys of the piano unburdened. He said nothing as she lowered herself onto the large piano seat alongside him, he simply continued to play. He tilted his head towards her with a rare, earnest smile. He met her gaze evenly as he began to sing once more.

     _I did my best, it wasn't much_

     _I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch_

     _I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you_

     _And even though it all went wrong_

     _I'll stand before the lord of song_

     _With nothing on my tongue but hallelujah_

    Those words, they touched something deep down inside of Jen. She could feel them resonating throughout her soul as she lost herself in the depths of those emerald eyes of his. At that moment she understood that he was showing her everything right now, every aspect of him. The horror of everything that he had endured over the past twenty four hours, she could see it crashing down on him and it made her eyes sting. There was something so precious about this moment and she realized that this was the first time she had ever seen the man behind the mask. All that sass and snark were stripped away and she was seeing the person he was underneath, the parts of him that he kept locked away from everyone. It made her feel blessed, honored even.

    Her cheek came to rest upon his shoulder, her doe brown eyes closing as she listened to his serenade. His lips brushed her hairline with a tenderness, that no one else in their world knew that he possessed. They stayed like that for the longest time, Rafael making music deep into the night while Jen simply leaned on him and listened.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael and Jen put their cards on the table.

    It was time to talk to Jen, Rafael knew that but the the truth was he simply didn’t want to. He had spent his time in the shower this morning, carefully considering his words until she had joined him and then all of his logical thoughts had been been tossed out of the window. They’d spent the early hours of this morning making love in his bed, their damp bodies tangled up in his sheets as he whispered things in both English and Spanish, things that he loved about her, the things she did that drove him crazy. He had always been vocal but after last night, after sharing that side of himself...

    He simply couldn’t help himself, when those words slipped out, the ones he uttered in Spanish.

     _Mi Vida, he had called her as his thumb traced over the shape of her pert pink lips. He’d been drowning those stunning brown eyes of hers, her heart beating against his own as he kissed her with a tenderness he reserved for no other._

    He had meant it, that term of endearment held a weight, one that he had carried around like a bleeding heart over the past few weeks and having it out in the open, as much as it scared him, it absolved him too. Jen was seated at his breakfast island, perched on one of those black leather stools as she flicked through the New York times, wearing one of his button up shirts and very little else. Her damp hair was tousled, those loose curls falling across one side of her face as she sipped from her steaming coffee cup before replacing it back onto the island.

    Once upon a time he never would have been able to dream up this scenario, now instead he was living it. He couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment that he had fallen in love with Jen, maybe he always had been and it had taken it until now to admit the truth to himself. Either way it didn’t matter, he loved her no less and that was why he had to do this. It was why he had to give her the option to walk away.

    He placed his palms on the kitchen island, taking a moment to find the strength to persevere, to push past every single ounce of himself that was begging him not to do this. For the first time in a long time, he was happy and now he was about to throw a grenade and blow himself up all over again. He raised his head, his gaze drinking in the woman in front of him.

     _For her_ , he reminded himself. He had to do this for her.

    “Jen...” he began wearily. “We need to talk.”

    Jen tilted her head up towards him, dutifully closing the newspaper before placing her clasped hands upon it. She had known at some point that they would need to have this conversation, the two of them, their jobs, the lives they led...

    They were at a tipping point. Right now either one of them could walk away and nobody would have to know that they had slept together, they could go back to the way they were. Jen didn’t want that. Over the past few weeks, being with Rafael had been changed her, she could no longer see him as ADA Barba. She saw him as Rafael, the man who spent hours making her laugh, reminding her that she was a person and not just a detective.

    Already she could see he was pulling on his battle armor, his brain already working out the logistics of the conversation they were about to have. His dark eyebrows was furrowed, leaving small creases in his forehead as his mouth set in a thin, grim line.

    “So I guess it’s time to lay our cards down on the table.” she said quietly, her gaze meeting his evenly. Rafael held up a hand to cut her off.

    “Me first.”

    Jen gestured to the metaphorical table in front of them as Rafael carefully selected his words.

    “Terrence Reynolds.” he declared, his shoulders hunching as he shook his head, already agitated at the mere consideration of that case. “When that case goes to trial, there’s going to be a lot of heat. From city hall, from the NYPD, the people that you work with.”

    Jen was under no illusions when it came to that case. Rafael had made some serious enemies when he had indicted the three cops responsible for the death of an unarmed black teen. He had come under fire from all angles but the DA was pushing him and he had to do his job no matter what the cost. A lot of people in the NYPD resented him for that, they thought it meant that the DA’s office didn’t have their back. The powder keg had died down for now but the trial was coming up and it would be like throwing a stick of dynamite into a barrel filled with gunpowder.

    “You think if we’re together then that will cause problems for my career.” Jen stated.

    Rafael raised his eyes to the ceiling as if praying for strength before meeting her gaze with a sobriety that stunned her.

    “The people I’m gunning for are the people you trust your life with.” He told her assertively. “They are your commanding officers, they are your collegues, they are your back up when you’re out on the streets.”

    She knew what he was saying, those people, the ones that had her back. They could turn on her just as quickly as they had shunned him and the results of that would be more devastating. He was making a point, one he really wanted her to contemplate. There would be a very realistic possibility that when she called for backup, that there would be no backup. Her squad would never let her down, but they relied on others outside of that, all it took was one of them to ignore her call.

    “Rafael, they killed an unarmed, twenty two year old college student.” Jen reminded him, a fierceness igniting behind her eyes as spoke. “They shot him 35 times. They need to be held accountable for that they did.”

    There had to be justice for Terrence Reynolds, his memory deserved that, his family did. This wasn’t just about Terrence Reynolds though, it was about settling an example right across the country. New York wasn’t Ferguson or Baltimore but it was swiftly becoming part of that pattern. If they were to change that they had to make the tough choices, the ones that no one else would make. It was that belief that made Rafael buckle, he could see it burning ferociously inside of her, the same way it did inside of him. If they didn’t stand up what chance would anybody else have.

    “If you want this, with me then I am in.” Rafael told her, his tone exigent as he spoke. “But I’m warning you there could be consequences, ones that you won’t see coming.”

    Jen reached out, her dainty hand grasping his larger one as her intense stare fixated on him.

    “Let me deal with the consequences.” she said to him sincerely. “I can’t live my life worrying about what could happen, when something great is happening right here in front of me.”

    “Promise me you’ll be careful.” he said quietly, his emerald eyes lowering to their joined hands, his thumb gently caressing her soft skin. “That you’ll stick with Carisi or Fin or even Dodds.”

    “I promise you, I won’t take any unnecessary risks.” she reassured him. Rafael’s gaze flicked up to meet hers, honesty shining in his gaze as he spoke.

    “It’s the necessary ones that scare me.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mike and Jen clear the air.

    The inside of their beige surveillance vehicle was virtually silent save for the sound of Jen wrestling with a packet of M&Ms in a thwarted attempt to open them. In the driver’s seat Mike Dodds cast a glance at her out of the corner of his eye, spotting the problem instantly before turning his attention back to their target.

    “It would help if you took your gloves off.” he remarked dryly.

    “I really did not want to do that, given how cold it is inside of this car.” Jen commented, pulling off the burgundy woolen gloves, that matched both her hat and her scarf and then proceeding to open the troublesome packaging.

    “If you wanted the heat turning up, you should have just asked.” Mike stated, leaning over to the console and twisting the dial, before angling the blast of warmth towards her.

    Things had been awkward between the two of them since that night they had exchanged texts regarding that nightcap. In work the two of the were consummate professionals, putting their jobs above everything else. Five years ago that had been their undoing, a relationship couldn’t be sustained if neither parties were present and they barely were so they’d called it quits in the end.

    Now though, things were different. He wasn’t the same guy he had been back then, he appreciated his personal relationships more. There was more to life than the job and he needed a support network, a group of people that he could rely on and trust. Once upon a time Jen had been one of them, he had thought she could be that again but their signals had gotten crossed and before he knew it they were here at this hazardous junction.

    They had never been paired together until today and Mike had to admit he had been dreading it. Trapped together for hours in a car, tailing a suspect was an endurance for most cops if you didn’t have the right partner. He knew Jen was a good detective, the cases he had worked with her spoke for themselves but right now there was this gulf between the two of them, one that they needed fix if they were going to continue to work together.

    “I didn’t want to sleep with you the other night.” Mike stated abruptly, causing Jen to tilt her head towards him slightly surprised at his outburst.

    “That’s good because I wasn’t offering to sleep with you.” she responded in that sardonic tone of hers. In the past he’d heard it used on suspects, criminals and guys that used to hit on her in bars, never had he imagined that he would be on the receiving end of it. It stung just a little that this was what they were reduced to but he knew he had to get through the tough parts of the conversation if he wanted to maintain some sort of friendship.

    “I know that’s what you think I was after but trust me it wasn’t.” Mike persevered, determined to clear the air between them.

    “If I misinterpreted then I’m sorry.” Jen said matter of factly, before shrugging her shoulders in response to his words. “But that’s the way things used to be between the two of us.”

    It was their pattern of behavior that she was highlighting. When one of them needed to blow off steam after a case, they’d have a drink, drown their sorrows and one thing would always lead to another. The next day, they’d have breakfast and then the whole thing would start all over again. It had been a cycle, a bad one and in the end they both agreed that what had started as a strong friendship had taken a wrong turn when they started sleeping together.

    “We used to be pretty good friends.” he pointed out to her before swallowing hard against the anxiety that had been writhing in his gut since he had had started this conversation. “And these days my tastes don’t really lean towards women.”

    Mike’s gaze stayed fixed on their target, his defined jaw clenched as he waited for Jen to process his words. Out of all the people in the NYPD, he wanted her to be the first to know the truth about him. He thought maybe on some level she would understand, they had been close once. In that time together as friends and later on as lovers, he had told her things, things that he had barely been able to admit to himself. He knew it had been the same for her.

    She had told no one about her father, the guilt she felt each time whenever she laid eyes on him. He knew she how much she dreaded his appearance in her life, the disruption he would cause and how every god damned time she would fall for whatever sob story he was selling. She chastised herself when he left, cleaning up whatever mess he felt in his wake.

    Mike had helped the last time, he had spent weeks helping Jen put the pieces of herself back together. She deserved better than that, he had told her so.

    “Does your father know?” she asked him quietly, her tone reserved as Mike shook his head in response to her question.

    “He has all of these plans...” Mike trailed off, a grim smile crossing his dark Irish features. “...there never seems to be the right time to tell him.”

    Jen nodded her understanding before she placed her right palm against her forehead as if something was just occurring to her.

    “I really did misinterpretation the nightcap thing didn’t I?” she uttered, feeling like an absolute idiot. “This is why you wanted to meet up?”

    Mike placed his hands on the steering wheel, his lips clamped together, his expression pained as he spoke.

    “Pretty much. Being here at SVU, it’s the first place I feel I’ve been accepted for who I am, not because I’m Chief Dodd’s son. When this comes out...” Mike turned his head so that she could see honesty in his gaze. “... I didn’t want you to be blindsided by it.”

    “When did you...” Jen trailed off, seeking out the right words in an attempt to be tactile.

    “....realised I like men?” Mike finished for her before considering the answer to his question. “A few years after we broke it off, I met someone.”

    The way he smiled...

    It told her everything, he hadn’t just met someone, he had fallen in love and Jen felt an unruly surge of happiness blossoming from deep down in her chest. She couldn’t believe how badly she had almost screwed up with him, she should have took the time to stop and listen to what he was trying to tell her instead of acting holier than thou.

    “He makes you happy.” Jen stated knowingly.

    “I want to spend the rest of my life with him.” Mike confessed, gripping the steering wheel tightly, his knuckles turning white before he forced himself to exhale, flexing his fingers with the breath. “I can’t keep hiding this anymore. Our relationship, it deserves better than that.”

    He raised his hazel gaze upwards as if praying for strength.

    “I’m scared Jen.” he admitted for the first time. “Once I open that door...”

    Jen reached out, her dainty hand coming to rest on his much larger one as she patted it reassuringly.

    “I’ve got your back.” she told him resolutely, her tone leaving no room for doubt as she spoke. “No matter what happens I’m here.”

    


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Texts between the SVU team.

    Amanda Rollins: Picture Message Attached.

    Jen Davies: Amanda, I can’t believe how perfect she looks. She clearly takes after her mother.

    Amanda Rollins: She has his eyes.

    Jen Davis: Have you called him yet?

    Amanda Rollins: Not yet, he’s still in Serbia. We’ll still be here when he comes back.

    Jen Davis: I think he’ll tell you to take lots of pictures, make sure he gets to see those special moments.

    Amanda Rollins: Yea, I’m gonna do that. I don’t him to feel like he’s missed too much when he does come back.

    Jen Davis: I think that’s the best way to be, meanwhile you get her all to yourself.

    ———————————

    Olivia Benson: Have you seen the papers today?

    Rafael Barba: You mean the Munoz Corruption Scandal?

    Olivia Benson: I will take that as a yes.

    Rafael Barba: Clearly Alex wasn’t the man he claimed to be, the man I thought he was.

    Olivia Benson: The world will see you were right about him.

    Rafael Barba: Trust me, I wish I had been wrong.

    ———————————————-

    Jen Davis: Picture Message Attached.

    Rafael Barba: You love torturing me don’t you?

    Jen Davis: Are you imagining that it’s you between my lips instead of this Popsicle?

    Rafael Barba: You know that I am.

    Jen Davis: Maybe you should undo your trousers and give me a call. I’ve never talked dirty over the phone before counselor, maybe you could teach me a thing or two.

    ——————————-

    Group Text: The SQUAD

    Fin Tutuola: Saw Davis and Barba were looking pretty cosy at Carlito’s last night.

    Sonny Carisi: When you say cosy...

    Fin Tutuola: There was defiantly some love there, the way they was looking at each other... I’d say they’ve been an item for a while.

    Sonny Carisi: That would explain some things. I thought she was seeing someone about a couple of months ago I had no idea it was him.

    Fin Tutuola: You’re telling me that you didn’t know the two of them were seeing each other, after all the time you’ve been spending with your law buddy?

    Sonny Carisi: It never came up. He just quizzes me on different statutes, it’s not like we’re necking a couple of beers and talking about the Mets.

    Fin Tutuola: I hope she’s told Liv otherwise the shit really is gonna hit the fan when the Terrence Reynolds trial comes up.

    Mike Dodds: I wouldn’t worry about it, the two of them have disclosed the relationship to the relevant people. Their asses are covered in that respect.

    Sonny Carisi: You knew about this?

    Mike Dodds: I bumped into them at a restaurant a few weeks ago.

    Fin Tutuola: And you didn’t think to tell anybody?

    Mike Dodds: It wasn’t my place to say. Everyone is entitled to their privacy.

    Fin Tutuola: Carlito’s isn’t exactly private.

    Sonny Carisi: Maybe they got sick of hiding it. At this point it’s not like they’ve got anything to lose.

    Fin Tutuola: He might not but she certainly has. There were plenty of cops around last night and not all of them are big fans of Barba’s with the Terrence Reynolds trial coming up.

    Sonny Carisi: You think Jen will get backlash from this?

    Mike Dodds: They may think she’s siding with the DA, see it as a betrayal.

    Fin Tutuola: Exactly and you know what that can lead to.

    Sonny Carisi: Those guys shot an unarmed guy 35 times, they deserve to go down for what they did.

    Fin Tutuola: I doubt their friends and family see it like that.

    Mike Dodds: Make sure someone’s with her when she’s out on the streets, I don’t want to give anyone that opportunity.

    Fin Tutuola: We’re on it.

    Sonny Carisi: Definitely.

    Amanda Rollins: WHAT THE HELL????

    ————————————-

    Mike Dodds: Hey Dan, I’m just checking in to see how your day’s going?

    Daniel Vaughn: I wish I could say it was boring but I’ve had one of those cases cross my desk... It’s bad Mike, it is so fucking awful.

    Mike Dodds: I go on lunch in an hour, let me bring you something.

    Daniel Vaughn: I can’t eat... Not after that.

    Mike Dodds: Let me come over anyway. You need to talk, talk. You need a hug, a kiss, to sit in my lap while I hold you I will do that for you. I’m here for you Daniel, whatever you need.

    Daniel Vaughn: I just... I need you Mike.

    Mike Dodds: I’ll be there.

    ——————————————

    Jess Hartley: I’m so sorry I fell asleep on you last night. I was just so tired after that shift.

    Sonny Carisi: I didn’t mind :) There’s worse things in life than falling asleep with a cute girl on the couch.

    Jess Hartley: Aw you think I’m cute?

    Sonny Carisi: Doll, I think you’re beautiful and I loved holding you in my arms last night.

    Jess Hartley: I loved waking up with you this morning. Maybe next time it can be on a bed?

    Sonny Carisi: Sweetheart, don’t give me ideas...

    Jess Hartley: Maybe I want you to have ideas.

    Sonny Carisi: It’s gonna kill me that I can’t see you over the next few days.

    Jess Hartley: They do say absence makes the heart grow fonder x


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael and Jen finally catch up after 10 days apart.

    Rafael was on her the second she stepped through the doorway to his office. His palm came to rest on the wooden door, pushing it closed behind her as his free hand slipped past her hip, locking the door with his dexterous fingers. That wicked smile of his curved across his handsome features as he lowered his emerald eyes to her darker ones. Their bodies were pressed together, their clothes rustling as they fit together like two pieces of the perfect puzzle.

    Rafael wasted no time, he kissed her like his life depended on it. His lips caressing her pert, pink mouth, his warm hand slipped under navy blue blazer as he drew her even closer his demanding form.

    It had been a whole ten days since he had been able to lay his hands on her, since he’d been able to touch her in the way that he wanted. His time had been filled with long court hearings and trial prep for the upcoming Terrence Reynolds case and Jen had been on nights, working surveillance on a suspect in a rape case. There hadn’t been much opportunity for their paths to cross, no time for them to snatch a couple of hours here or there.

    “I’ve missed you.” he whispered into her ear, the heat of his breath sending a thrill of heat coursing right through Jen as he spoke. Already his hands were wandering, his fingers leaving deviant sparks in their wake as they roved the curves of her body. “I’ve missed touching you like this.”

    “I missed you too.” she returned, arching against him as his teeth grazed that sensitive spot just beneath the lobe of her ear. “But we’re in your office...”

    “Carmen’s going to be gone for another forty minutes.” he informed her, that dirty smile of his crossing those handsome features as he met her intense gaze with one of her own. “Now I can take you on the couch or over the desk. Do you have a preference?”

    The thought of fucking him in here, in a place where they had worked long hours together sent a sensuous tingle through every single one of her nerve endings. She could see the excitement in those eyes of his, feel his arousal pressing against her core. Ten days had been far too long to go without being touched by him.

    “Which one have you been fantasizing about?” she asked him, her teeth gnawing at her lower lip as she gave him that provocative look.

    “The desk, it is.” he murmured, holding her close against him as he turned them towards his tidy, organised desk.

    Jen pulled away from him for a moment, causing a grunt of disapproval to emit form low in Rafael’s throat at the break in contact.

    “Hush.” she chided him, placing her palms flat on shiny, lacquered wood as she stretched along the length of his desk. She glanced at him, arching her eyebrow with that sultry expression on those ivory features of hers. His dick was rock hard, he could feel it rubbing painfully against the zipper of his trousers as he stepped up behind her, his palms coming to rest upon her hips. His nimble fingers were already undoing the buttons on her jeans as he rocked lightly against that gorgeous denim clad ass of hers, causing her to moan at the delicious friction.

    “You know how often I think about taking you over my desk?” he asked her, his voice rough with arousal as he yanked her jeans and panties down those lithe legs of hers. “All the fucking time.”

    The fingers of his right hand sought out the cleft between her legs, skimming over her moist silken core as his left hand undid the clasp of his trousers. Jen writhed, pinned between the desk and his powerful thighs as he allowed his thumb to graze her clit. She was trying to be quiet, but he could still hear her ragged breathing ringing in his ears.

    “You’re so wet, Mi Vida.” he whispered into her ear, nipping at her earlobe.

    His trousers were gone, along with his clinging black boxers. His unwavering hands came to rest upon her hips once more as he rubbed the tip of his leaking cock against her molten core. She was panting now, her body needy and desperate as he held her in place simply enjoying the sound of her pleasure.

    The noise she made when Rafael entered her was almost enough to tip him over the edge. The moment her supple body gripped his length, he was lost. There was just the two of them, locked in that moment as they began rock against each other.

    “I’ve been thinking about this...” He whispered fiercely against her soft skin, burying his face into her shoulder as he pounded into her yearning flesh. “...about being inside you, hearing you say my name.”

    The potential danger of the situation was getting her off as much as it did him and Rafael savored every single second of it. Already her muscles began to clench, gripping his cock like velvet glove. He put his hand over her mouth to stifle the cry of ecstasy from her lips as that orgasm consumed her entire body, sending Rafael careening right over the edge. She was still making quiet, sensual noises when he removed his hand from her mouth. The sound of his own ragged breathing filled the air as his bestowed, sanguine kisses upon the curve of her shoulder.

    “The things you make me do.” he murmured with that teasing lilt of his. Jen leaned back against him, her head coming to rest against his collarbone as his arms wrapped around her waist lovingly.

    “I’m never going to be able to look at your desk the same way again.” she told him, closing her eyes briefly as she snuggled back against him.

    “You don’t have to sit at it everyday.” Rafael pointed out, his cheek coming to rest upon her tousled hair as he held her close.

    “A few more days and I’ll be back in your bed.” she promised, enjoying the sensation of being back in his arms.

    She hadn’t been lying when she’d told him she missed him. Going back to her apartment and sleeping alone had been a solitary experience after spending so many nights of sleeping beside of him. She’d never had that before, she usually treasured her own space but without him...

    There was simply this absence, it felt heavy in her heart.

    “Good.” he said, his lips trailing up along the shape of her slender neck in that solicitous manner of his. “Now we have ten minutes until Carmen gets back, I have some ideas on how to spend them.”

    

    

    


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael is forced to face the consequences of taking on a case.

    The elevator was blissfully empty when Barba stepped inside of it, his cellphone clasped in his hands as he tapped out a text, returning one of the many messages he had received while he had been in court this afternoon. No matter where he was or what he was doing the world never seemed to stop spinning, there was always something he needed to do or something he ought to be doing. To say he loved his job would be an understatement, in the years he had been doing it, it had become a part of his psyche. He couldn’t imagine a day in the future when he wasn’t doing it. He leaned back against the metal interior, his ankles crossed as skimmed through his inbox, sorting through his emails.

    He didn’t see the other man slip through the sliding doors at the last possible second but he felt his menacing presence as they shut behind him. He found himself looking into those black, soulless eyes as he was greeted.

    “Abogado.” he was greeted. “A second later, I would have missed you.”

    Barba wished the Dominican man had missed him, his jaw clenched, his phone clasped tightly in his right hand as he allowed his gaze to flicker to the emergency alarm just beyond the hulking figure in front of him. The last time they’d come face to face was when the indictments had been issued for Dumas, Campesi, and Donlon, after which he’d threatened to shove him down the stairs of the courthouse and crack his skull open.

    “That alarm's not going to help you.” he tutted, a sadistic smile crossing his tanned features as he reviewed the ADA in front of him.

    Barba’s hackles rose, he could that pinprick of fear prickling on the base of his neck as he drew himself to his full height, only a few inches shorter than his counterpart. He tipped his head up so that his emerald eyes bored into the other man’s, mustering up all of that fire that was burning deep down in inside of him. He wouldn’t be intimated, not in this case or any others. No matter what happened in this elevator he would do his job, the way he always had.

    “What do you want?” he asked sharply. “Who sent you?”

    “Come in Rafael, you know what I want.” his captor told him in an almost conversational manner. “There’s still time to make things right for those officers, they have families after all.”

    “You want me to dismiss the charges?” he asked the other man, the left side of his mouth tilting up into that trademark self-righteous smile of his. “If you knew anything about me at all, you would know that I don’t even consider that an option.”

    “Maybe you better had Abogado.” the other man sneered, leaning forward in an attempt to establish dominance over Barba. “Otherwise you might find yourself on the receiving end of a bullet.”

    “You think you’re the first person to threaten me?” Barba asked him sardonically.

    “A man like you? Of course not.” his Dominican friend remarked before removing his cellphone from the inside of his jacket and swiping across the screen. “But I’m the first one to find something that you care about, maybe even more than yourself.”

    He turned the phone towards Barba, showing him the image displayed on the screen. It made his heart almost skip a beat as his gaze focused on Jen’s familar features. The picture was of her coming out of the grocery store around the corner from her apartment, a brown bag tucked under her arm as she checked her phone with the other. The time stamp told him that this had been taken yesterday afternoon, at some point after she had left his office.

    Barba said nothing, his right fist constricting around his own cellphone as a fury whipped up inside of him. He couldn’t afford to show weakness. As soon as he bared his throat, the other man would tear it right out. His captor tutted at him again, that clicking noise resounding through the elevator, drowning out the sound of the blood rushing through Barba’s ears. The elevator doors were already opening, displaying a levy of people surging through the main hall.

    “You know what to do Rafael.” his other man said before turning his back on the other man and disappearing into the crowd.

    

    


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jen is injured in the line of duty.

It had taken days to track down Chris Emerson but SVU had caught a break when Narcotics had taken in one of the guys that had been dealing for him with an insane amount of cocaine in his possession. With that street value John Hardy would be going away for along time, Barba had managed to hammer out a reduction on his sentence in exchange for the location of their rapist.

    The bad news, he was armed and dangerous. Each one of his victims had reported that Emerson had used a gun during the attacks. Jen had seen the damage that pistol whipping could do but the things that Emerson did to his victims with that gun, brutality didn’t cover it. Hardy had reported that he had seen at least three guns at the premises when he’d been here last week sand that didn’t bode well for a smooth take down. Especially since Emerson’s victims all seemed to be women in positions of authority.

    Both Jen and Carisi were the first ones on the scene. They’d been sitting outside the house for a few minutes, their gazes trained on it for any signs of movement as they hunkered down in the car. It was after they’d seen that flicker of movement at the curtain that the two of them had decided it was time to gear up. Carisi had opened up the trunk of the car, allowing the two of them to grab their standard issue NYPD bullet proof vests and pull them over their clothes. He took the time to fold her blazer and his suit jacket before replacing them in the space where their body armor had resided. This was their standard procedure, the exchange was wordless as they both went through the motions, checking the straps of the vests and making sure they covered all of the important places.

    Jen’s hand came to rest on the gold shield on her hip, making sure it was firmly fixed to her belt when the car window beside of her exploded. She felt sonic boom of the gunshot vibrate through the air  as she was showered in a hail of glass. A white hot streak trickled down her cheek as her instincts kicked into action at the sudden surge of adrenaline that erupted through her veins. Her dainty hand was already going for the Glock on her hip as the second shot smashed into her.

    The impact of the bullet twisted her body to the left, sending her careening into back door of their beige sedan. A bellowing roar erupted in her ears as she slammed into it, causing agony to ripple along the entire left side of her athletic frame. Her ears were ringing like crazy, the sound was piercing through her brain as her knees buckled from underneath her, sending her crashing to the ground. She didn’t remember hitting the concrete. When she opened her eyes the world was on a kilter, her left cheek was pressed to the gravel, she could feel it scrapping across her face as she tried to move. Excruciating pain lanced through her torso as she managed rolled onto her back, trying to suck in a deep breaths. She found she couldn’t, her chest was constricted, it felt like there was a pressure bearing down on her as she tried again unsuccessfully. Vaguely she could hear her own breathing coming out in loud, shallow pants, black spots clouded her vision as a scorching wetness began to spread underneath the bulky plates of her vest. The material of her forest green shirt was sticking to her skin as it continued to creep across her torso.

    In the distance she could hear Sonny talking, his distressed features lingered above her as she felt herself being dragged backwards across the tarmac underneath her. She cried out as the second car window above them erupted showering both Sonny and her with it’s debris. Sonny was talking again, she could see the radio in his hand as he screamed into it over the retort of gunfire that thundered around them. She opened her mouth, to say something, anything but all that came out was a strangled whine. Her vision was beginning to tunnel, she tried to blink it away only to have the darkness rush up to greet her instead.

    

    ————————————————

    The scene was a mess, a much bigger one than it should have been, Liv thought as she stood in the center of it, absorbing all of the details that were assaulting her senses. Her whiskey colored eyes came to focus on the beige Sedan that both members of her team had been using for cover after the shooting started. The car was riddled with bullet holes, smears of red from Carisi’s bloody hand prints stood out against the dull paint job as she followed it around to the back of the car. A thin trail of blood had mingled with the gravel beside the tires from where he’s managed to drag Jen behind the shelter of the vehicle. The radio was still lying there on the ground from where Carisi had eventually abandoned it in order to return fire over the trunk of the car. Beyond the vehicle she could see the M.E’s van, the M.E and her assistant wheeling the body bag containing rapist Chris Emerson into the back. Carisi had managed to take him out during the shoot out after ensuring Jen’s safety.

    Both her and Fin  had been seven minutes out when they’d heard the call go out over the radio, Fin had put his foot his down the entire way here while they listened to Carisi bellow into the radio.

    Detective Davis is down, I repeat…

    Two minutes away from the scene they passed the squad car, with two of New York’s finest simply sitting there. The audacity of it incited a rage in Liv that was unparalleled. Hearing that desperation in Carisi’s voice had been harrowing and for them to ignore that call…

    She was under no illusions as to why those two cops hadn’t responded it. Ever since it had come out about Jen and Barba, she’d been subject to taunts from her fellow officers, especially the ones that had been friends with any of the three officers that were currently indicted. They had talked about it over a couple of Cosmos back in Carlito’s last week, the road that Jen had chosen to walk was a tough one.

    Disclosing her relationship with Barba on the lead up to this trial had been a necessary decision, especially with the threats that Barba had been getting but it had landed her in seriously hot water with some of the people they worked with. Their immediate team got it, hell most of them had seen it coming for years and were happy that there was a reason for Barba to be less surly. The other people though, the ones that didn’t know Jen, that hadn’t seen her work, they were the ones that really laid into her.

    Jen would never admit the extent of it to Barba, Liv knew she didn’t tell him about the time her and Cullen had got into it in the locker room. It had taken a couple more Cosmos to get the full story, the patrol officer had called her a whore, accused her of selling out her fellow cops and spreading her legs for her sugar daddy. It had almost come to blows, it was only the entrance of a few other cops that had prevented the two of them from going toe to toe. Liv had offered to step in but Jen had brushed it off, this came with the territory. She had anticipated this reaction when her relationship with Barba had come out. She had told Liv it had mostly been schoolyard stuff.  Or at least it had been until today.

    There was a commotion behind her. Liv glanced over her shoulder to see Carisi hopping off the back of the ambulance where he had been in the process of being treated. The right side of his face was still smeared with blood from the open cut above his eyebrow as he hurled himself at the patrol officer in front of him, his finger jabbing into the other man’s chest.

    “You son of a bitch.” he yelled at Cullen, his Staten Island accent becoming more pronounced the more agitated he became. “Stop talking, just stop fucking talking before I take your damned badge and shove it down your throat.”

    “She fucking you too Carisi?” Cullen retorted, his face contorted into a snarl as he shoved at the lanky detective. “You playing second fiddle to Barba in and out of court?”

    There was genuine ire in the other man’s gaze as he spat those words at Carisi, Liv could hear the venom dripping off them as Fin dived between the two men in a bid to separate them.

    “Carisi, back to the ambulance.” Liv’s firm voice resounded through the area as she pointed at towards the waiting EMT’s before turning her attention to the other man. “Cullen, let’s take a walk.”


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael gets to the hospital and finds out what happened on the scene.

 There had been a day, a couple of years ago now when Barba had thought he would lose Jen. Amaro, her and Liv had been sitting in the gallery while he presented the case against Johnny D to the jury. When that disturbance had started, he’d been standing beside the prosecutor’s table. It had all happened so quickly, the gunshots, the screaming. He’d seen Jen step forward, her own gun drawn. And then he’d watched her get hit.

    The vibrant red blood had been blossoming across her white shirt by the time he made it over to her. Benson was too far way caught up in the crowd to help, and Amaro was already going after Johnny D. Her doe brown eyes of hers had been wild and roving, her lips moving but no words coming out as he stripped his suit jacket off of his shoulders and packed it against the ragged hole to the left of her collarbone, using both hands to maintain the pressure. He’d had nightmares about that day for months, he kept replaying what had happened back in his head over and over again. In every single nightmare he had, he always remembered the way her blood had stained his hands.

    He was transported back to that moment once more as his heart hammered in his chest, pounding against his ribs like a jackhammer. Her blood was on his hands all over again, only this time there would be no washing it off.

    Dodds was beside him, his expression stoic as the two of them stepped inside of the waiting room that was currently housing, Fin, a haggard looking Carisi and a bunch of other cops who Barba ignored completely. His gaze came to rest upon Carisi as the younger man rose his head to meet Barba’s gaze with a sorrowful one of his own. There were cuts on his face, they were shallow, marring his angular features. His dirty blond hair was disheveled sticking up in all directions from where the other man had run his fingers through it over and over again.

    For the the first time in his life Barba found he couldn’t speak, his throat constricted with emotion as he took in Sonny’s forlorn expression. There was a weight in his chest, it sat heavy on his heart pressing down until he could barely breathe.

    “Jen?” Dodds questioned his collegues, his voice uncharacteristically quiet.

    “Liv’s in with her now. The vest caught the bullet but she sustained some damage from the impact.” Fin explained, gesturing to his own body to give them an idea of where Jen had gotten hit. “She has bruised ribs and the doctor is treating cuts on her face, neck and chest from where the first bullet caught the car window.”

    Barba released the breath that he had been holding, his hands coming to rest on his hips as he exhaled slowly. He just needed a second, he told himself, just a single second so that he could collect himself before that professional mask of his slipped back into place.

    “Someone up there must be watching out for her.” Carisi found himself saying as he rose his eyes to the sky and thanked God once more for intervening. It had been close for the two of them today, too close. “The second shot hit her vest, spinning her into the car. By that time I had realized what was going on, I managed to get one hand on her vest and drag her to cover behind the vehicle. The third shot hit the back window of the car as we were moving, which was how all this happened.” He uttered, motioning to the cuts on his face.

    They were superficial, the EMT had told him. It was unlikely that they would leave any scars. Sonny hadn’t cared about that, he just wanted to make sure that Jen was ok, that the impact from the bullet hadn’t done any internal damage.

    “You did good.” Dodds told the other man earnestly. “Getting her out of the way before that third shot probably saved her life.”

    “She’s my partner.” Carisi said, shrugging his shoulders haplessly.

    The four of them looked up as Benson stepped into the waiting room. Her hand came to rest on Rafael’s broad shoulder, patting it gently as she tipped her head towards the private room she had just vacated.

    “We’ll give the two of you a couple of minutes.”

    Barba said nothing in response to her words. His gaze lingered on that closed door, he could feel his pulse quicken, his heart thudding hard against his chest as he stared at it. He had no idea what to say, there were a million things rushing around through his head, for a moment he wanted the  world to stop spinning to that he could gather himself and think.

    “Rafael…” Liv uttered quietly, drawing his attention back to her. She met his gaze, those dark soulful eyes fixating on his so he could see the honesty in her gaze. “She’s ok. She just needs you to be there right now.”

    He swallowed hard past the fierce anxiety that was beginning to bloom inside of his chest before finally taking a step forward and opening that door.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael steps up for Jen whilst Liv tries to get to the bottom of the situation.

The hospital room was eerily quiet  when Barba stepped inside, save for the rustle of fabric as Jen struggled to assert her arms into a loose fitting, white linen blouse. He could see the pain etched in those features of hers as she managed to thread her left arm through one sleeve as she continued to fight with the other.

    “Here.” he murmured, stepping forward and grasping the shirt by the shoulders and holding it as if it were a jacket. She winced as she twisted her athletic form in order to get her arm into the right place. He heard the hiss of pain escape her lips as she shrugged it over her black sports bra. It was only when she turned around to face him that Barba saw the true extent of the damage.

    The left side of her pale face was pin pricked with several small cuts giving way to larger slices as his gaze traveled down the curve of her throat towards her collar bone, where a flesh colored bandage marred her skin. She allowed his unbidden stare to travel lower, inhaling deeply as it fixated on the left side of her ribs. That vibrant black bruise was a violent contrast against the light shade of her skin, he could see the exact impact point from the bullet like a firework erupting across her skin spreading down towards her stomach and up along her rib cage.

    “It looks worse than it is.” she reassured him, her fingers fumbling over the buttons on her linen shirt as she tried to fasten them.

    It took Barba a moment to realise that her hands were shaking, that the reason she couldn’t fit the buttons in the holes was because her fingertips were trembling so badly. He reached out for her compulsively, his muscular arms wrapping around her torrid form, cradling her close against him. Jen buried her face into the shelter of his chest, clutching onto him tightly as his fingertips combed through her tousled curls, soothing over the silky strands.

    She’s here, he reminded himself, breathing in her sweet, floral scent. A little bit battered, a little bit bruised but still alive, still here with me.

    This thing of theirs, it needed no words. There was no false bravado or undying declarations, it was just the two of them occupying the same space, being there for one another. It occurred to him that maybe all these years he’d had it wrong. His relationship with Yelina had taught him that love was about sacrifice, compromising yourself for the other person, giving them everything and expecting nothing in return. With Jen however it was a partnership, there were no sacrifices to be made, no moral conundrums, just the two of them, supporting one another.

    The thought of losing that, losing her it crippled him, it made the weight of his own heart feel unbearable at the prospect. Over the past four years she had become a fixture in his life and over the past couple of months she had become so much more than that, more than he ever could have hoped for.

    “I’m here.” he whispered, his lips caressing her dark hair line as he spoke in that low, loving tone, the one he reserved only for her. “Whatever you need I’m here.”

* * *

    Lieutenant Phillipa Pino was the type of officer that Olivia had wanted to be when she had graduated from the police academy.  In her early fifties her uniformed counterpart was tall with a shock of wild brown hair that had been tamed by being pulled back into a neat, no nonsense bun. It added a touch of severity to her angular features, one that Liv was positive put the fear of God into the officers that worked underneath her. What had happened today…

    Jen had come close to losing her life, if it hadn’t been for Carisi, she could have. If he hadn’t taken out the shooter…

    Well that didn’t bear thinking about. Carisi had taken down Emerson and managed to ensure that Jen was stabilized until her and Fin had gotten there but he shouldn’t have had to face Emerson down on his own. Cullen and his partner had been right around the corner from the scene, they should have been there in seconds. Both of them claimed that they hadn’t heard the radio call, it was bullshit of course, which was part of the reason she had summoned Pino to her office. Where Pino led, her officers tended to follow, she had to find out if this was an isolated incident or whether this was symptom of a much bigger problem.

    “I guess we’re here to talk about Officers Cullen and Hampshire.” Pino said, meeting Olivia’s gaze evenly as she sat in the visitor’s chair, her expression stoic.

    “That’s in the hands of IAB.”  Liv informed the other woman, leaning forward so that her elbows were resting upon her desk. “What I want to know is, should I be concerned about the safety of my detective moving forward?”

    Pino’s dark eyes narrowed in response to the other Lietuant’s’s words, bristling at the implication.

    “I lead my department by example Lieutenant Benson. I keep a tight leash on my division and I have made it clear that such behavior will not be tolerated in any circumstance.” Pino told her, her hands clasped together.

    “But it did happen.” Olivia pointed out firmly before putting her cards down on the table. “My intention isn’t to trip you up, I’ve heard good things about you and your department but I need to understand if Cullen and Hampshire were alone in their actions.”

    Her words seemed to pacify some of the defensiveness that Pino had been displaying, the other woman leaned back in her seat.

    “Cullen’s sentiment does not represent the rest of my department.” she said plaintively. “I don’t even think Hampshire agrees with it but Cullen is his superior officer.”

    In other words Hampshire had following orders, where Cullen led the other man had followed and now he was paying the price for it.

    “What is the general feeling in your department?”she asked, trying to take the temperature of the division.

    “When the indictment first came down Barba got a lot of heat for it. Cops were pissed that the DA’s office were so quick to throw Dumas, Campesi, and Donlon under the bus. When it came out that him and Davis were in a relationship, she may have got some of that heat.” Pino revealed uneasily before holding her finger up to indicate that she wasn’t finished. “However, a couple of my guys have been sitting in on the trial, showing their support for Donlon. When they saw that video…”

    Liv knew what the other woman was saying, the same thing had happened to her. She’d given Barba hell for going after those cops the way he had but when she’d seen that recording, the one someone had made on their cell phone. It had changed everything. There was no way anyone could deny the truth, three cops had shot an unarmed student who had simply been reaching for his keys.

    “I saw it too.” Liv told the other woman, her voice quiet as she lowered her gaze to the desk, considering the impact that that must have had. The cops that were supporting Dumas, Campesi, and Donlon had thought they were supporting their brethren but seeing that recording, it changed your perspective. Liv knew if she had been in any one of their places that night, that she wouldn’t have fired so quickly. She could tell from the expression on Pino’s face that she felt the same, that must have filtered through to her unit. Cops were like old women when it came to gossiping, news of that recording must have gotten around. “It must have been a big shock for a lot of them.”

    “Yea it was, it sort of simmered out after that.” Pino told Liv with a shrug of the shoulders. “They stopped showing up at court, quietly withdrawing their support. All except Cullen.”

    “You don’t seem surprised by that.” Liv pointed out, tilting her head so that she could meet Pino’s eyes.

    “I’m not.” The other woman admitted, the cogs in her head spinning as she continued to divulge. “Donlon was Cullen’s training officer, the two of them are still close now. He’s been the most vocal about Barba but I never dreamed he’d do something like this, not to another police officer.”

    “It’s in IAB’s hands now.” Liv concluded.She rose to her feet, Pino following suit before Liv guided her towards the door. She paused for a minute, making sure to meet Liv’s eyes as she spoke.

    “Tell your detective she won’t have to worry about about anyone else from my department.” Pino reassured Liv before adding resolutely. “We’ve got her back.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny takes a moment...

The door to the empty hospital room, next to Jen’s was thankfully unlocked when Sonny tried the handle. With Fin trying to get in touch with Jen’s dad, despite the fact they all knew that the number that had been left under her emergency contact would more than likely be disconnected and Dodds and Liv filling in the unit chief, it seemed the perfect time for him to slip away.

    Ever since they had gotten to the hospital he had been trying to hold himself together. The back of his neck had been prickling since the adrenaline had began to filter out of his system. He’d felt the flush of nauseating heat pursing through his muscles, his mouth dry as he closed the door quickly behind him. His heart was thudding against his chest, Sonny could feel it slamming against his bulletproof vest as he leaned back against the wall, feeling light headed. His knees went out from under him, causing him to slip down along the wall until he came to sit on the floor of the empty room.

    The tiles felt cold underneath his buttocks as he drew his knees up to his chest, his elbows resting upon them. He clasped his left wrist, his thumb coming to rest upon his pulse point as he tilted his head back, exhaling deeply. His heart was racing, he could feel it straining in his chest as he drew in long deep breathes in an attempt to steady the quaking of his muscles. He closed his sky blue eyes, those images, the ones from earlier today, he couldn’t seem to get them out of his mind. Jen’s eyes wide and unseeing, the vivid red blood soaking into her shirt. The gun shots were echoing so loudly in his head that he didn’t hear Jess enter the room until she was standing beside of him.

    Sonny tilted his head away, feeling the shame rise up as he swallowed hard against the lump of emotion in his throat. Jess didn’t say anything, she simply sat down next to him, their bodies parallel. Her small hand came to rest upon his, her shoulder nudging gently against his. She placed her cheek on his lean bicep, her lithe body tucking into his side, offering a silent solace from the nightmares of the world around him. Sonny turned his head, burying his face into her silky hair and inhaling that sweet jasmine scent.

     Just being here with her, it grounded him. He could feel his trembling muscles beginning to relax as he let Jess’s soothing presence wash over him. He didn’t know how long the two of them stayed there, sitting like that. He didn’t care, he just needed this moment.

    “I’m ok.” he said finally, his Staten Island accent more pronounced as he spoke against Jess’s dark tresses. “I just need a sec, I need to be around something good right now…”

    He didn’t need to say anything else, Jess had gotten it the instant she’d seen him stepping inside of this room alone, those sky blue eyes of his mirthless and distant. He hadn’t looked like her Sonny, the one that she was used to seeing when they were alone together. He was different, his shoulders had been hunched as if he carried a terrible burden and after hearing the story from nurses who manned the Emergency Room, she understood that was exactly what he was doing. Sonny had been through something traumatic today and as usual he had taken care of everyone else before he even considered his own needs. It was just the type of person he was, she had seen it before whenever he had come to the hospital to interview one of her patients. He was funny, charismatic but always aware of the seriousness of the situation. Jess admitted, she hovered. It was part of her job as the Sexual Assault Specialist to make sure her patient’s were treated with the respect they deserved and Sonny had never given her cause to be concerned.

    Their jobs led them to cross paths so often that the two of them had eventually graduated to a first name basis and then after that lunch a slow courtship. She enjoyed getting to know him as a person outside of work, she was used to seeing Sonny Carisi, the detective but Sonny Carisi, the man was truly something else. Despite the fact the two of them led busy lives they still made time for one another in between their jobs and Sonny’s law school work. They took their moments when they could and Jess was thankful that was someone in her life that could make her smile at the end of a really shitty day.

    “I’m not leaving.” Jess reassured him, her thumb tenderly stroking over the back of his hand. “I know how well you make canolli now so trust me I’m sticking around.”

    She could feel his smile against her hairline as his lips brushed across her forehead lovingly.

    “Doll, if I knew that was the way to your heart.” he murmured, his sky blue eyes bright with humor as he finally looked at her. “I would have brought canolli around a hell of a lot sooner.”


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael and Sonny sit down an discuss what happened at the scene.

  It was early evening and Carisi was still sitting at his desk working through the paperwork from the shootout earlier on the day. He knew that the mess that was spread across his desk was part of the protocol.  Every time he was out on the street and had to draw his weapon, he weighted up the choices that came along with that, the consequences…

    Despite the five brutal rapes that Emerson committed and the fact that the rapist had already shot Jen and was continuing to shoot at them the other man’s death still troubled him and he knew that it would haunt his dreams in tonight. Dodds had told him that it wasn’t unusual, taking another man’s life was a burden, one that he should be feeling, the day he didn’t would be the day he should hang up his gun and badge.

    At this point he was beginning to consider the possibility the paperwork was punishment enough. He had spent hours going through it, dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s, making sure everything was perfect especially since he knew IAB was already going to be breathing down his neck. He’d already been in and made a statement regarding the lack of back up at the scene, reliving those moments, the blood trickling down his face into his eyes as he tugged Jen back into the cover of the Sedan…

    It had taken a few minutes before he’d actually been able to talk about it. Despite what people said about Tucker, he was direct and methodical. His questions were merely a requisition of the facts and Sonny had been more than happy to divulge them. If they had a cop like that on the streets, one that was picking and choosing the people he’d support, they were all in trouble.

    That righteous anger was bubbling up inside of him once again, he could feel that indignant rage of his crackling beneath the surface of his skin as he clenched the pen he was holding tightly in his fist. He couldn’t get that image out of his head, the one of Jen lying on the ground, thick, vibrant red blood seeping out of the collar of her bulletproof vest, her doe brown eyes wide and startled as her ragged, diminished breaths rang in his ears. Cullen had left them to die out there, if Emerson hadn’t caught his bullet …

    That didn’t bear thinking about.

    He glanced up as the doors to the elevator opened, revealing Barba clad in the same camel colored coat that Sonny had seen him wearing at the hospital. Underneath he was still wearing that crisp, tailored grey suit, although the first two buttons of his white and blue striped shirt were undone and his colorful tie had disappeared. This was the most disheveled Sonny had ever seen the man and he still looked like he had just stepped off the cover of GQ magazine, it was a quality of Barba’s that he had always found himself envious of. No matter what the circumstance the ADA always played to the room, he knew when people’s eyes were on him and he maintained that cold, calm demeanor of his whenever he was in the public eye.

    Sonny had spent enough time with Barba over the last couple of years to know that despite his facade, he had been genuinely shaken when he’d gotten to the hospital today. There had been a tension in the other man, a look in those emerald eyes of his that he simply couldn’t hide. He hadn’t realised how serious it had gotten between Jen and Barba until he had glanced through the window to that hospital room and seen the two of them standing there. The expression on the other man’s features as he embraced Jen had been heartbreaking. The grief in his eyes, Sonny had never seen such an emotion in Barba before, it had been raw and visceral. The realization hit him like a punch in the chest as he suddenly came to understand that their relationship wasn’t just the two of them testing out the waters, this was real love, the kind that people like Walter Briggs had written books about.

    “She with IAB?” Sonny asked the other man, carefully placing the pen on top of the papers he had been completing before turning his attention to Barba who dropped into the visitor’s seat alongside his desk.

    “Yep, I waited until her union rep showed up.” Barba informed the younger detective, glancing over at the bowl of candy Sonny had put on his desk in order to motivate himself. Barba selected one of the sweets before carefully unwrapping it between his nimble fingers. “While I’m here you can tell me how you nearly ended up beating the hell out of Cullen after what happened.”

    Sonny shifted in his chair uncomfortably, his forearms parallel to the arm rests as he swiveled his chair from left to right. The corner side of Barba’s mouth tilted upwards as he dipped his head and shrugged his shoulders slightly.

    “I thought we were friends Carisi.” he said, his voice lowering an octave as he focused on unfurling the wrapper of the candy that he had selected.

    “I know that your messing with me.” Sonny informed the ADA, a jovial smile crossing his lips. “But when you bring out those puppy dog eyes…”

    Barba smirked, finally freeing the candy from it’s plastic coating before popping it into his mouth, he crunched the strawberry sweet between his teeth as he waited for Sonny to continue.

    “Look. Everything he said about you being her sugar daddy…” Sonny started, venomously shaking his head. “No one thinks that. I mean there’s not even that much of an age difference, it’s like what ten years…”

    “It’s eight years difference.” Barba interrupted, an indignant expression on his Cuban features as he plunged his hand into the candy bowl for a second time. “I’m forty four, not eighty two and I’d like to think I’ve retained enough of my charm and youthful good looks for cash not to have become a necessity.”

    “Hey, I hear ya.” Sonny said, gesturing to himself with his hands, his blue eyes glinting with anger as he recounted the details. “That son of a bitch ignored the call out and then he calls my partner a slut while she’s getting loaded into the back of an ambulance, I admit I lost it a little.”

    “You’re lucky it was a little, otherwise the bastard would probably have tried to drag you down with him.” Barba uttered darkly, sighing as he came up empty handed from the candy bowl.

    “I hate this.” Barba admitted, finally raising his emerald eyes to meet Sonny’s. That mask of his, the one he wore each and every single day had begun to slip and for the first time, Sonny could see just how tired the other man was. There were dark circles beginning to show in the hollow of his eyes, his forehead creasing as his dark brows furrowed. “I hate that this is happening to her, that she has to go through this.”

    Because of me, because of what I’m doing….

    He didn’t actually say the words but they were there hanging in that space between the two of them. The guilt was crashing down on Barba and now here like this, the two of them being honest with one another, Sonny could finally see it. It was tearing the other man apart from the inside out, it had to be. He couldn’t imagine being in the position that Barba was in, torn between your duty to the cause and your duty to your loved one. In either case he had taken an oath, one to serve justice to those who deserved it and the other to protect the people that he cared about.

    “It’s not on you.” Sonny said genuinely, he reaching out and clasping Barba’s arm. “What happened today, that’s on Cullen and Jen, she knows that. She doesn’t blame you, none of us do.”

    Barba pursed his lips together, they formed a grim line as he exhaled deeply, his shoulders sagging underneath the weight of his burden.

    “You’re good together you know?” Sonny said, the edges of his mouth twitching up into the beginnings of a smile as he ducked his head in order to catch Barba’s gaze. “What the two of you got, it’s real.”

    “I know.” Barba said quietly, busying himself by straightening the sleeves on his camel colored coat. “I appreciate you saying that.”

    He hesitated before clearly his throat, his head tilting upwards just in time to catch sight of Jen striding towards them. Once again that mask of his came down, his demeanor changed back to that smooth, confident smartass as he rose to his feet, rolling his eyes for effect as he greeted Jen.

    “Carisi was just telling me how he thought I was far too old for you.” Barba informed his lover as he removed a pair of black leather gloves from his pocket and began to tug them on.

    Sonny stared at him aghast, his mouth working open and shut as he pointed his finger at Barba, an insufferable grin plastered across the ADA’s face.

    “You know I wouldn’t say that.” Sonny began, Jen held up her hand to cut him off before jabbing Barba in the side with her elbow.

    “Ignore him.” she told Sonny, raising her eyes to the ceiling as if praying for strength. “He gets extra sassy when he’s forced to wait for other people.”

    Barba shrugged his shoulders in response to her words before she clasped his right hand, entwining her fingers with his before pulling him in the direction of the elevator.

    “What can I say?” he uttered, clearly unapologetic.“It’s both a blessing and a curse.”


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael takes care of Jen.

  Jen was soaking in Rafael’s large, pristine claw foot bathtub when he stepped inside of his steam filled bathroom. Her wavy hair was pulled back into a messy bun, her head tipped back to lean on the back of the tub, her eyes closed as the sparkly bubbles covered most of her body. Her right arm was resting on the side of the bathtub, a half drunk crystal tumbler of scotch clasped in her hand. If there was ever any doubt that Jen belonged in his home, it had been vanquished. Seeing her here, relaxed and serene like this, it made him consider what the future may hold for the two of them, if one day he could make this permanent.

    “Fresh towels.” he uttered, placing the plush, spring green fabric onto the closed toilet seat.

    Jen opened her eyes at his interruption, wincing slightly as she stirred. Rafael reached out, his nimble fingertips removing the crystal tumbler from grasp and setting it down on the counter alongside the sink.

    “Thank you.” she murmured, placing her dainty hands on either side of the bathtub before raising to her feet.

    There was pain in her movements, he could see it from the grimace on her face, the stiffness that encumbered her movements and hear it in the low hiss she made as she straightened her spine. Rafael held out his hand out to steady her. Jen clasped it tightly as she gingerly removed herself from the bath tub, coming to a stand still in front of him.

    Standing there before him, naked in all her glory with he could see the road map of the damage she had taken today. The bruising from the bullet was more pronounced now, spanning a larger space than it had before, the colors were a rich pattern of black and purple as it extended across her ribs and stomach. The shallow cuts cascaded down the left side of her face, marring the curve of her delicate throat before trailing off just below the curve of her collarbone. He felt that fear grip him, it’s icy fingers grazing the back of his neck as he cataloged her injuries. Those rampant thoughts were running wild inside his head and he forced himself to take a deep breath in an attempt to still them. These moments with Jen, they were precious and there were so few of them these days. He didn’t want to waste time thinking about the ifs and maybes. It was too easy to get caught up in that and he would not allow it his own anxieties to ruin one of the best things he had in his life right now.

    The towel was already in his hands before he realized his own intentions. Jen didn’t speak when he began to dry her, he could see the exhaustion in those pretty features of hers as she sighed contently at his ministrations. He took his time, chasing the small beads of water that had collected all over her bare skin. There was something so intimate about his actions, it transcended the value of what their relationship had once been and gave him some insight into what their relationship could be.

    Being with her like this, taking care of her…

    It had been a long time since he’d put anyone else’s needs before his own and now it seemed instinctive. He didn’t ask if she needed help getting dressed, he simply picked up his faded grey Harvard t-shirt and guided it gently over her exhausted form.

    She looked so vulnerable, standing before him in his over sized t-shirt, it awakened something primal and possessive inside of him. She was his, and the man in him would do anything to make her feel as safe and secure as possible after what she had endured today. He took her hand tenderly in his own, their fingers entwining before he led her to the bedroom. He pulled back the bed sheets and adjusted the pillows to the way Jen preferred. He watched as she climbed into the bed cautiously, taking a few moments to adjust to a position that didn’t seem to hurt her.

    Rafael followed suit, carefully guiding himself under the sheets in an attempt not to cause any additional movement that could cause Jen anymore pain. He could see the profile of her beauteous features as he lay on his side, her doe brown eyes were closed as he reached out, his fingertips gentle as he smoothed a loose curl back behind her ear. A small, drowsy smile tugged at Jen’s mouth, her pert pink lips brushing over the pulse point of his wrist before he could draw away. Her bare legs entwined with his pajama clad ones as she shuffled closer into the welcoming shelter of his loving form.  His lips brushed her damp hairline as he cuddled her close, inhaling her sweet floral scent as he clasped her to him.

    Her breathing began to even out, the tension in her body unfurling as she started to drift into what he hoped would be a deep and dreamless sleep.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael confronts Cullen.

 Kenneth Cullen was taller than Barba by more than a couple of inches but the ADA refused to let that phase him as he sat in his chair on the opposite side of the desk, his emerald eyes reproachful as he studied the thirty something patrol officer. His fine, blond hair shone in the light from the ceiling above them, showing small glints of grey at the temples. He kept it short which was customary among the NYPD. His forehead creased into an irritated frown as his chin jutted out defiantly, his amber eyes focusing on a spot just beyond Barba.

    “Sit.” Barba said, his voice harsh and unrelenting.

    That simple word, it was an order. Cullen complied, his teeth grinding together inside of his mouth as he did so. Barba didn’t speak, he merely watched as the other man shifted uncomfortably in his seat under his merciless gaze. He’d had Dodds pick up the younger man after his morning interview with IAB and bring him here. There was a kinship there between both him and Dodds,  an unspoken one. They both cared about Jen in their own way, both would do anything for her.

    Barba wasn’t ashamed to admit he had leveraged that, he had used the knowledge to bring Dodds on board so that he could talk privately with the cop who had abandoned both her and Carisi just a couple of days ago. Barba wasn’t a jealous man by nature but he could be possessive, if he hadn’t already met Mike’s partner Daniel, he would have considered an ulterior motive. Jen had told him that Dodds and her had a history, it was clear that they still cared for one another, even if the flame had died out. Most men would find that threatening but in his head, it simply meant that there was one more person out there watching her back, someone who she couldn’t bullshit when the burden of her job became far too heavy to carry.

    “You finally gonna do the right thing?” Cullen questioned him, finally raising his amber eyes to meet Barba’s.

    You could tell a lot from looking into a man’s eyes and the animosity towards him shone like a beacon. If the other man had been pissed at him before he was practically seething now and in a way that’s what Barba wanted. It was the reason he’d sent Dodds to pick him up and bring him here in the first place, he wanted to show Cullen who really had the power here, that his attempts at intimating him  had been pointless.

    “The right thing?” Barba snorted before leaning forward in his chair, his elbows coming to rest upon the desk as he met Cullen’s eyes. “Was the right thing leaving Detectives Davis and Carisi to die out there while you sat sipping coffee in your patrol car?”

    “You were warned what happen if you continued with the trial.” Cullen snarled at the ADA, his tone biting as he continued. “You sit up here all day, playing your games, moving all the pieces around on the board until you get what you want.”

    “And what is it you think I want?” Barba questioned, looking amused before gesturing grandly to his empty office. “Please do enlighten me.”

    “You think I don’t know what this case will do for your career?” Cullen snapped at him, his rage evident as he jabbed his finger at Barba. “You win this case and your name is on the lips of every single person inside of City  Hall.”

    Part of that was true, this case was his last chance to get in the good graces of some very important people in Gracie Mansion. However Barba had never been one to play the politics, he had left that up to Alex and look where that had gotten him. He was still picking up the newspaper everyday and discovering the latest twists and turns of the Munoz scandal.

    “So that’s why you sent Felipe Heredio to threaten me.” Barba stated, lacing his fingers together on top of his desk. “Because I have to say I honestly felt I was worth more than two hundred and fifty a pop.”

    “I didn’t admit to that.” Cullen shot back, his eyes narrowing as he fixated on the ADA.

    “You didn’t have to.” Barba replied sardonically as he gave Cullen with a surly look. “You want to come after me do it yourself. Going after the people I care about, threatening me by proxy, that’s a coward’s choice.”

    “A coward?” Cullen repeated as he rose to his feet, those furious amber eyes of his focusing on Barba as a sneer twisted at his lips. “I guess we’ll find out how much of a coward I am when the jury comes back.”


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jen begins to paint in color.

  Jen was dressed in black shorts and a baggy pastel pink, paint flecked t-shirt, that was slipping off of her right shoulder when she opened the door to Rafael later that evening. Her tousled hair was swept away from her pretty features and pulled back into a chaotic bun. Her lean legs were speckled with splotches of red, orange and yellow as she greeted him with a chaste kiss on the cheek before gesturing for him to step inside. His emerald gaze strayed to the familiar easel set up in the furthest corner of her living room, there was a canvas mounted onto it and before it he could see the stool that Jen usually perched upon when she was filling in the detail on her artwork. On the sideboard he could see her array of oil paints haphazardly strewn across the uncovered wood, along with her paintbrushes.

    “You’re painting in color again.” Rafael said, unable to keep the surprise out of his voice as he approached the canvas in front of him.

    “Yea.” Jen responded as she came to stand beside him, her arms crossed over her chest as she reviewed her work. “I was running in the park this morning with Amanda and something about the fall colors just inspired me.”

    It was captivating, it really was and Rafael found himself completely ensnared by the vivid swirls of color. There was a serenity in the way that the crimson gave way to the burnt orange and in turn the sunshine yellow, he found himself oddly soothed by it as he stepped forward until the canvas filled the entire scope of his vision. There was emotion in his chest, he could feel it blossoming as he took in the painting in all it’s entirety. There was something palpable there, something beautiful, something so real  he could practically touch it.

    “What are you seeing?” Jen asked him quietly, her doe brown eyes taking in the handsome profile of his face as he stared at the painting intently.

    “You.” he whispered, his voice rough as he spoke. “I can’t describe…”

    Jen’s hand came to rest lightly on his back, her thumb ghosting over the shape of his shoulder blade, bringing him back to the present for a moment.

     “I know.” she said quietly, her voice full of understanding.

    He couldn’t believe how much of a contrast this portrait was the others she had painted over the last seven months. Those ones, the ones he hated were propped up on top of each other against the wall just behind the easel. They consisted of grey hues, with rivets of black undercutting the lighter shades, the occasional slash of blood red thrown in, slicing through all of the darker aspects. Those canvas’s, they haunted him. He’d had his head buried in the fall out from the Terrence Reynolds indictment when her entire world had begun to implode. He hadn’t been around to see the signs of her depression until it was too late.

    When Liv had told there was a very real chance that Jen wouldn’t be coming back to SVU after the Keisha Ozuna trial he hadn’t believed it. He’s missed her at the bar over the couple of weeks leading up to the trial but he thought she had better things to do, her workload he had hoped, not another man. At the time he acknowledged the thought was selfish but it didn’t stop that bubble of jealousy raising up inside of him at the thought of her spending time with someone else. The reality couldn’t have been further from the truth. When he’d turned up at her apartment that night, the evidence had been staring him right in the face. She’d put up a good front, playing the perfect hostess but it was when he had seen that painting, the one that had a burgundy anatomical heart shrouded by layer upon layer of the darkest shades that Jen had been able to create with her oil paints that it had hit him like a freight train.

    When he stared at that painting he realized he was getting  a glimpse of into Jen’s broken psyche. He had practically been able to feel the echoes of her anguish resonating inside of his soul and it had put the fear of God into him. He had never known how badly she was struggling, how damaged she had become inside and it wounded him that he had been too self involved to see it.

    When she’d come back with his coffee, he hadn’t been able to speak a word. He simply took the beverage from her, placed it on the side board and wrapped his arms around her. Jen had stiffened for a moment, he had felt her rigidness before she had melted into his embrace. Her arms had looped around his waist, clasping him close as she began to fall apart. He cradled her against him long after the tears had stopped, simply holding her close as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Usually he found it hard to show affection, it was something that didn’t come easily to him but with Jen it was instinctive.

    They had spent hours talking that night, she told him things that she had never told a single soul before and the information that he had divulged…

    Well it was for her ears only. She was the only person he could trust with that knowledge.

    Afterwards he had spent hours delving into the depths of the information available regarding depression. There had been times in his career that he had suffered from it, choosing to self medicate with a mixture of scotch and an abundant workload. It wasn’t healthy, he knew that but it worked for him and his focus at the time was Jen.

     Consciously he had made himself more available to her. He’d sent her texts, checking in to see how she was, he’d shown up with dinner, gotten her out of the apartment when she hadn’t stepped outside in couple of days. Between himself and her squad they had made sure she knew she was loved and supported.

    That was part of the reason he was so enthralled with this most recent artwork of hers. The rich colors, the abstract shapes and patterns, this was Jen, her heart and her soul laid out on a canvas for the world to see. He reached out with eager fingers, the tips of his fingers brushing over the drying paint as he allowed himself to touch it. He was falling in love with her all over again, he could feel it with every fiber of his being as he stared into the very depths of her soul.

    “When I look at this…” he started again, trying to find the words to describe the intensity of those rampant emotions. “…I know how you feel. Even if the two of us can’t say the words, I know.”

    “Yea.” Jen said, exhaling deeply as her hand sought out his, their fingers entwining as they both stared into the swell of brilliant color. “Both me and the painting, we’re all yours.”


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An exchange of texts between members of the precinct.

 Rafael Barba: That thing you did this morning…

    Jen Davis: When I used your tie to bind your hands to the bed?

    Rafael Barba: Jesus Jen, I’ve never let anyone tie me up before. The things you did with your mouth…

    Jen Davis: Well you were a little stressed, I though I’d help you out counselor.

    Rafael Barba: Trust me it helped. Maybe I can return the favor?

    Jen Davis: I look forward to it. x

    ———————-

    Daniel Vaughn: Picture Message Attached

    Mike Dodds: Danny, you know that’s not fair.

    Daniel Vaughn: Just showing you what you’re missing over here in Hawaii. I did give you the option to come along but you turned me down.

    Mike Dodds: I couldn’t just drop everything to come along to that conference with you, you know that.

    Daniel Vaughn: Let me ask, what I couldn’t bring myself to ask when you dropped me off at the airport. Was the problem your workload? Or the fact your colleagues would ask questions?

    Mike Dodds: Danny, we’ve been over this…

    Daniel Vaughn: Mike, the longer you put it off, the harder it’s going to get. You’ve been putting it off for months now. I’m starting to feel like your not invested in this relationship, we’ve been together for over a year now and the only people in your life I’ve met were Jen and Rafael and that was accidental.

    Mike Dodds: I get it, I get what your saying. I just… I’m not there yet.

    Daniel Vaughn: Mike… I’m not sure you ever will be.

    Mike Dodds: Danny what are you saying?

    Daniel Vaughn: I think you need to take some time, figure out if this is what you really want.

    Mike Dodds: Danny, don’t do this…

    Daniel Vaughn: I’ll be back in a couple of days, we can talk more then.

    ——————————

    Fin Tutuola: Picture Message Attached.

    Jen Davis: Amanda is going to kill you, she said she didn’t want any fuss when she came back.

    Fin Tutuola: I’m allowed to do something nice for my partner. She’s just had a baby, she deserves to have a little something for herself.

    Jen Davies: You’re just a big softie at heart.

    Fin Tutuola: Well if she asks I’m just going to blame it all on you.

    Jen Davis: From the balloons and the sheer amount of glitter you’ve deposited on her desk, I’m pretty sure she’d believe it.

    Fin Tutuola: How’s it going over there? Any word back yet?

    Jen Davis: Not yet. However I do think that we’re going to be hearing about that closing argument from Carisi for the rest of our lives.

    Fin Tutuola: Yea, that man crush he has on Barba really is something. No wonder you call them Barisi.

    ———————————————————

    Sonny Carisi: The jury came back. Guilty.

    Jen Davis: How’s he handling it?

    Sonny Carisi: Quiet. I’m giving him some space until after the press conference.

    Jen Davis: Yea this trial… It’s been a tough one especially for him. There was so much pressure.

    Sonny Carisi: I’m gonna take him out, try and get him to blow off a little steam.

    Jen Davis: Don’t be surprised if he just wants to sit in his office and drink scotch.

    Sonny Carisi: Have you seen these puppy dog eyes? There isn’t a person alive who can resist them.

    —————————-

    Jen Davis: I saw you on the TV tonight. You looked good up there.

    Rafael Barba: It was a great spiel. Justice was served, Terrence Reynolds family got closure. The city can finally move on. I hit all the high notes.

    Jen Davis: Rafael… I’m sorry I can’t be there tonight.

    Rafael Barba: You don’t need to be here, I won the case remember? The work you’re doing right now, trying to catch that guy, it’s important. You know how much I understand that.

    Jen Davis: I know… I just really wanted to be there.

    Rafael Barba: You could make it up to me. I’ve been told I have to attend an event in the next few weeks on behalf of the DA’s office and I would love the company of someone I can actually tolerate. You’ll be rescuing me from a night of politics and boredom.

    Jen Davis: You say the sweetest things. Schedule permitting I should be able to attend.

    Rafael Barba: Thank God.

    ———————————————————-

    Rafael Barba: Why did I wake up to coffee and pancakes being delivered to my office this morning?

    Sonny Carisi: You passed out on the sofa after drinking best part of a bottle of scotch. I covered you with your jacket and ordered you hangover food when I left this morning.

    Rafael Barba: Jesus, I just clocked the empty bottle. Is that how much we drank?

    Sonny Carisi: Picture Message Attached

    Rafael Barba: You look like hell.

    Sonny Carisi: Trust me there’s a reason I’m wearing my sunglasses inside the coffee shop. My back is killing because I apparently fell asleep in your chair.

    Rafael Barba: We can’t tell Jen about this, we’ll never live it down. She’ll be calling Barisi for the rest of our lives.

    Sonny Carisi: I may have Snapchatted her when you were passed out. #Barisi.

    Rafael Barba: I literally have no words right now.

    —————————————-

    Sonny Carisi: Picture Message Attached.

    Jess Hartley: You look like hell, although I do like the sunglasses. Want me to hook you up with an IV?

    Sonny Carisi: Nah, however you can meet me outside for a coffee and a walk, I got your fav.

    Sonny Carisi: Picture Message Attached.

    Jess Hartley: You are a hero amongst men. Give me five minutes and I’ll be right down.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny figures out Jen's secret.

 It was the smell of olives that did it. One minute Jen had been happy unpacking her chicken gyro from the Greek restaurant down the street, the next she was hurling her guts out into the waste paper bin that lived alongside her desk. The repugnant stench of the brine was still burning her nostrils as Sonny rose to his feet, his eyebrows knotted in concern, plastic container of olives still clasped in his hand.

    “Close the lid.” Jen hissed at him, her right arm cradling the bin against her torrid stomach as she jabbed her finger at offending item.

    “The olives?” Sonny questioned, tilting the container back and forth causing the oval green shapes to clatter against the clear plastic.

    “They must be off.” she told him, before her stomach rolled, causing her to lurch forward and plunge her face back inside the metal bin. Sonny winced at the sound of violent wretches before hovering the small package of olives underneath his nose tentatively. He sniffed for a second, before casting a glance at Jen who was still vomiting into her waist paper bin and then back at the olives in his hand. They didn’t smell like they were out of date and all the food they bought at Skathios was always fresh.  He placed the lid back on the container before placing it on the edge of his desk as far away as humanly possible from his nauseated colleague.

    He grasped the chilled bottle of water that had come with their food before dodging around his desk and placing it next to Jen on her desk. She nodded her head gratefully before proceeding to throw up once again into the metal trash can. He placed his palm upon the center of her back, rubbing small, soothing circles on the space between her shoulder blades the way his Mamma had when he was sick as a kid.

    Jen hunched over the bin, her doe brown eyes moist and red rimmed as she took long deep breathes, using the back of her hand to wipe at her lips. Her cheeks tinged red as she gave a cursory glance around the bullpen, satisfied to see it empty due to the late hour. She picked up the bottle of water, using the cool liquid to swill out her mouth before spitting it into the bin. She rinsed twice more before putting the trashcan back down on the floor, mentally apologizing to the person who had to clean it.

    “You told anyone yet?” Sonny asked her, taking up residence alongside of her as his lean form perched on the edge of her desk.

    Jen’s mind drifted to the three pregnancy tests she had taken just this morning, each one carrying a little blue cross after she had waited the standard three minutes.

    Each one had come back positive.

    She wasn’t deluded enough to say she didn’t know how it had happened. Over the Christmas period Rafael and her had barely left his bed. When they got their hands on each other, all bets were off and the pull out method hadn’t been as particularly as effective as they could have hoped. As adults they  were both aware of the consequences, they just hadn’t thought that it would ever happen to them. It had been the first and only time the two of them had been so reckless and it had come back to bite them in the ass.

    “Jess…” Jen uttered, tilting her head up to meet Sonny’s vibrant blue eyes. “She hooked me up with a good OBGYN, came to the appointment with me.”

    Sonny wasn’t surprised to hear that. Jess was the sexual assault specialist in New York General, regularly working in the Emergency Room when those expertise weren’t required. Jen and her were close, the two of them bonding at first over their jobs before finding common ground in their love of vintage vinyls.

    After what had happened with Keisha Ozuna, Jess had been the first one to realise that Jen was becoming more withdrawn and depressed. She had tried talking to Jen but his partner was stubborn and before he knew it both him and Jess had formed a team of sorts, doing what they could to support Jen until she was ready to consider counselling. It was around that time that Sonny realised how attracted he had become to the young doctor, there had always been that pull and she was a striking woman. The more time he spent around her, the lighter he felt. Jess had this amazing ability to strip away the darkness that they saw day in and day out, it was as simple as a warm smile, a gentle touch, text or a phone call. Just hearing her voice made him feel that the burdens he was carrying weren’t as heavy as he had thought after all.

    After the Keisha case, it felt like there had been a lot of them, he could feel himself buckle under the weight of what had happened to those kids, sometimes he got lost in it. It was those nights that he couldn’t sleep so he’d go out for a run, try and exhaust himself.

    It was one of those nights that he had bumped into Jess, he’d been running close to the apartment when he’d seen her a few meters ahead of him clad in black Lycra leggings with an ice blue stripe up the side and a matching blue waterproof. He’d been careful not to spook her, when he’d approached and she had been as surprised to see him as he was her. He hadn’t realised that they literally lived within a couple of blocks of one another. They’d finished up their run, him keeping a steady pace alongside of Jess before the two of them shared a very early breakfast at a 24/7 diner at the end of her block.

    It turned out he wasn’t the only one that had nightmares, they’d both edged around the topic at first but in the end Sonny was the one that blurted out the truth behind his late night runs causing Jess to make a confession of her own. That night he had asked her to promise him, if she needed to run then all she had to do was text him, he hated the idea of her alone on the streets at such a late hour but he got why she did it. That need to get out of your own head was something that Sonny understood very well.

    He had walked her home that night and for the first time in a long time he had collapsed back into his own bed and enjoyed a deep, dreamless sleep. The next time she had wanted to go for a run she had text him, he’d met her outside her apartment building long before the crack of dawn and from there on out a routine had been born.

    It hadn’t been long after that that Sonny became aware of his feelings for Jess, when she was talking his gaze would slip down to her those pretty peach lips of hers and he would wondered how soft they would feel against his own as he kissed her. Sometimes in the dead of night, after one of their runs he had found himself contemplating what would happen if she had chosen to come home with him instead. The images in his head were always vivid, his senses flooded with her essence as he imagined the needy noises she would make as he used his tongue to pleasure her, the way her fingers would tug at his hair as he brought her to orgasm, his name rolling off her lips like a mantra as he took her higher and higher. The thought of getting her off like that always left him hard and throbbing, he would lie there, touching himself in his lonely bed, imagining how good she would taste when she climaxed.

    He longed for that but what he craved even more was the intimacy of that connection. The time he spent with Jess, even all the small dates they had been on over the past few months was always too fleeting. With their jobs and law school, it was tough to find a moment where they could simply just be with one another and every time they parted it left a pang in Sonny’s chest. He was looking forward to having some free time to actually spend with Jess after he took the bar exam at the end of this month.

    “Does Barba know?” Sonny asked his partner, turning his attention back to the problem at hand.

    From the expression on Jen’s face he could tell that the other man didn’t have a clue regarding his impending fatherhood. She let out a deep sigh before rubbing her hands over her exhausted features in attempt to ward away the both the emotional and physical toll, the pregnancy was already taking on her.

    “He doesn’t want a family.” Jen told Sonny, her voice despondent as she spoke. Her shoulders sagged as she sank back into her chair, her hand coming to rest absentmindedly upon her flat stomach. “His father…”

    Her lip curled in disgust as she thought of that man, the one that had hurt both Rafael and his mother so badly. She had gleaned snippets of the violence from past conversations, sometimes when he drank too much he would let a detail or two slip out. She knew he still dreamed about it, there were nights when she had woken to find him trembling and sweating beside her, his eyes half lidded as he struggled to regain that control he sought so badly. They didn’t talk about it, the strained expression on his handsome features had been enough to stop her from asking. Those were the nights that she would simply curl herself around him and hold onto him for dear life. It would always take a while for him to calm down but eventually the shivers would begin to subside and those rigid muscles of his would begin to unfurl. She wouldn’t let go until she could hear his deep, even breathing as he slipped back into sleep.

    “He may be a bit freaked out at first but trust me he is gonna fall in love with that baby” Sonny said resolutely, crossing his arms over his chest. “He’s just probably gonna need a little time to process…”

    “I know…” Jen uttered, dread still writhing in the pit of her stomach as she used her fingers to rub at the spot the pressure was building  just above the bridge of her nose. “It’s like pulling off a band aid.”

    “Go pull off that band aid.” he said, jerked his thumb at their desks, gesturing at the masses of paperwork spread across them both. “I’ll finish up here.”


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael has an unwelcome house guest.

 Rafael wasn’t sure what had awoken him but he could feel the odd disturbance echoing through his mind as he lifted his head from the pillow, his hand stretching out for Jen’s warm form. His palm found nothing but cool sheets and it took a second for him to remember that both her and Sonny had been drafted into working tonight. His ears pricked up at the slight creak coming from downstairs, the sound of a shoe scuffing slightly on his hardwood floor. He grasped for his phone, his fingers tapping the screen  so it lit up revealing it was in fact 3am and that he had a single text message from Jen.

     _I’m on my way over x,_  it read.

    He set his phone down on the nightstand and pulled back the covers, letting the cool February air wash over the loose grey sweat pants he was wearing. Goosebumps were already forming on his bare arms and underneath the black wife beater that covered his torso from the chill. He could hear Jen moving around downstairs, her footsteps were quiet as she made her way through the kitchen. Something was wrong he could feel it, when Jen let herself in during the night, she usually came straight up to bed. Something didn’t feel right.

    Rafael ran his a hand through his tousled dark hair before he began to descend the stairs. The two of them were a team, if something was bothering her he wanted to know about it.

    It took him a second to realise there was no light on in the kitchen. When he flicked the light on in the hallway, there was no sign of Jen. No shoes by the door, no jacket hanging alongside his on the coat rack. The footsteps he had heard had stopped. There was an icy tingle chasing up the back of his neck, it felt like someone was watching him. Rafael turned around slowly, coming face to face with something out of one of his nightmares.

    The ski mask was generic, something he had seen over a thousand times during the course of his career in evidence bags, in photographs. However this was the first time he’d seen one in real life and right now he could appreciate the terror that mask instilled in other people. He could feel his heart beating against his rib cage as the man in the ski mask tilted his head to one side. His emerald gaze lowered to the pistol grasped in the other man’s gloved right hand.

    “You come here to kill me Cullen?” Rafael asked the other man, drawing himself up to his full height and taking a deep breath in order to ground himself.

    That fear was weighing down on him, he could feel it writhing inside his gut as his right hand began to furl into a fist. Despite what other people thought Rafael was no stranger to violence, he had learned from an early age how to take a punch and when he became a teenager how do deliver one.

    The patrol cop was fast, faster than Rafael had given his bulkier form credit for. The butt of the pistol smashed into the left side of his face, causing white hot pain to explode through his jaw as he slammed into wall from the force of the blow. His head smacked into the plaster, he heard the resounding crack it made echoing in his own ears.

    The world was spinning, he could feel the room beginning to tilt as he felt Cullen’s presence behind him. The other man’s hand gripped the back of his neck, his bony gloved fingers digging into his flesh, forcing Rafael’s right cheek to graze against the rough wall. Rafael hissed through his teeth at the sensation. Cullen gripped his right arm with his free hand, wrenching it behind Rafael’s back. He felt the cold bite of metal click around his wrist, he tried to jerk it away but the handcuff held firm. He knew if Cullen got the other one on his wrist that it was game over. He couldn’t afford that. Not now, not with so much to live for.

    “It is going to be slow.” Cullen rasped into his ear. “And it is going to be very painful.”

    Rafael rammed his head backwards, driving it right into Cullen’s face. The crunch was audible, resounding through the hallway as Cullen reeled back, howling in agony as blood erupted from his broken nose. Rafael twisted around, the elbow of his left arm jabbing upwards into Cullen’s masked features, the other man’s head snapped back giving Barba the opportunity he was searching for.

    He lunged for the pistol, his right hand grasping the barrel tearing it from Cullen’s grip before sagging back against the wall behind him and holding the pistol level with his would be killer. The safety was off, it had been off since Cullen had stepped inside his house. There was no doubt in his mind that the man had been planning to kill him. No doubt at all.

    The sound of the key twisting in the lock to the front door erupted through the hallway. Rafael didn’t flinch, he didn’t even cast a glance in Jen’s direction as she stood in the open doorway, her mouth agape as she took in the scene before her. Her gun was out in a second, trained on the masked man who was clutching his nose through the wool of the black ski mask.

    “Mi Vida,” Rafael drawled, his voice eerily calm and devoid of emotion as he spoke, his emerald eyes never leaving the man in front of him. “I need you to call this in.”


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The squad deal with the aftermath of the attack on Rafael.

The ambulance on the scene was more out of precaution as opposed to necessity, Mike reminded himself for the millionth time as he cast another glance at the couple seated just inside the doorway of the rig. The two of them were sitting side by side, a red blanket wrapped around their collective shoulders as they huddled in close to one another. Their fingers were entwined, resting upon Barba’s thigh as Jen tilted her head towards the ADA, murmuring to him as her opposite hand soothingly caressed her lover’s bare forearm.

    From the stony expression on those bruised features of his, Barba had shut down. Mike could see it in the rigid way his shoulders were set, in the stiffness of his spine. His jawline was taut, his chin tipped up, daring anyone around him to question his grit. Those emerald eyes of his were steely and hard as he met the gaze of every single person that crossed his path.

    The left side of his face was already swollen, the pink and red blemishes marring from his temple, down past his cheekbone. The gash on the right side of his forehead had required several stitches and there was still evidence of the bleeding just above his eyebrow. Mike had never been pistol whipped before but he had seen the damage that it could cause. Barba was lucky not to have suffered any broken bones in the attack.

    That couldn’t be said of the man that had assaulted him. Patrol Officer Cullen had been spitting mad and yowling in agony when they had unceremoniously torn the black ski mask way from him. His face had been a mess. To say his nose was broken would be an understatement.

    Barba had disclosed hitting his assailant in the face twice, the first breaking his nose, the second smashing into that same spot once again in order to press his advantage. Mike would have used the word crushed to describe the damage. His gaze once again flickered to Barba, who was still clad in his sleepwear, a black vest and grey sweats, it seemed so oddly pedestrian for the man he was used to seeing clad in expensive suits and and colorful ties. He’d half expected monogrammed pajamas and a plush dressing gown.

    The ADA was more muscular than Mike had given him credit for, those starched shirts of his hid a defined physique. It was clear the other man kept in shape, Mike knew he ran, Rollins had casually mentioned it a few weeks back. He thought that Barba’s acute dress sense was part of the reason Cullen underestimated the other man. Barba had looked practically offended when Fin had expressed his surprise at ADA’s ability to defend himself. He hadn’t known the other man took classes every now and then, he doubted anyone besides Jen did. It was smart especially in his line of work, even more so after what had happened tonight.

    It made Mike wonder if Daniel was still being smart these days. The human rights lawyer had been getting more than his fair share of threats before he had broken up with Mike. The kind of cases that Daniel took on, disabled kids that couldn’t fend for themselves. There could be a lot of blow back from the people that hurt those kids, the corporations, the parents, sometimes the care facilities.

    How Daniel managed to keep his head above water…

    The man was an absolute marvel. Somehow after all the horror he had seen, he still managed to smile at the end of the day. There was a brightness in him that Mike seemed to draw strength from. His days had been dark lately, too dark. Most nights he found himself lying on his side, staring at the space Daniel used to occupy in the bed next to him, his palm leveling over those cold sheets. He missed him, more than he had ever missed anyone before and the thought of never seeing him again made his heart literally ache in his chest.

    His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of raised voices erupting from beyond the yellow crime scene tape. He tilted his head in that direction to see Lucia Barba standing on the opposite side, arguing with a patrolman as she jabbed her finger in Barba’s direction. Jen was already on her feet and moving towards the patrol officer, she touched him lightly on the shoulder before directing Lucia towards her son who was still wrapped in that bright red blanket.

    Barba rose to his feet at the sight of his mother, it was the first time Mike had seen that mask slip since he had arrived on the scene. His stare softened as he stepped towards Lucia. His lips were set in a grim line as she cupped his tense features, her fingertips trailed over the swelling of his left cheek before the two of them began to talk rapidly in Spanish.

    Jen appeared beside Mike, her small hands digging into the pockets of her black quilted jacket as the two of them stood watching the exchange between both members of the Barba family.

    “You called his mother.” Mike commented, a small smile tugging at his lips as he spoke. He had to hand it to Jen, from what he was seeing right now, Barba had needed the maternal intervention.

    “I didn’t want her to find out on the morning news.” Jen shrugged simply. “Cop tries to kill ADA, the news practically writes itself and the vans have been here since after the call went out over the radio.”

    “It looks like he really needed it.” Mike said, hunkering down inside his own black, winter coat as they watched the interaction.

    “Sometimes you just need your mom.” Jen said quietly, her head bowed as the toe of her leather boots scuffed at the tarmac beneath her feet.

    The two of them fell into a companionable silence, reflecting on their own set of circumstances. Mike’s own mom was a thousand miles away, ‘finding’ herself, just like she had been for the past fifteen years of his life whilst Jen’s had died a couple of years ago from a heart attack. Either way there was no maternal figure in their lives, the absence hitting them both hard as they watched Barba embrace his mother.

    “Do you know what triggered him?” Jen asked finally, tilting her head up so that she could see the profile of her Sergent’’s dark Irish features.

    Mike crossed his arms over his broad chest before angling his boxer’s physique towards her.

    “Donlon killed himself in lockup last night.” Mike revealed, his face set in a formidable expression as he spoke. “Cullen was with his wife when she was notified.”

    “Jesus, it never ends does it?” Jen said, raising her eyes up towards the sky as if praying for strength. “It’s like all the decisions we make just keep coming back to bite us in the ass.”

    Mike looked at her properly for the first time since he had gotten on the scene. She looked troubled, as if there was something heavy pressing down on her shoulders. At a glance he had attributed it to the circumstances but now…

    It felt like there was more at play.

    “You wanna talk about it?” he questioned gently, his dark eyebrows furrowing into a concerned from as he analysed his friend’s demeanor.

    “Not yet.” Jen replied, shaking her head to reinforce the notion. “Soon though.”

    “You know where I am.” Mike uttered, turning his attention back to the exchange between Barba and his mother. “Anytime, day or night, if you need to talk I’m here.”


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jen breaks the news to Rafael.

 Rafael was silent, but then again he had been since Jen had watched him tenderly kiss his mother on the cheek after he had convinced her to return to her home without him. Lucia had paused by Jen on the way past, their gazes locked in mutual understanding as the other woman had reached out and squeezed her arm knowing.

    _“Look after Rafi,” she had said. “He’s far too stubborn for his own good.”_

_The two of them had shared a smile, it was full of humor and mirth. It was then that Lucia cupped Jen’s pale cheek, the gesture was maternal and it made Jen’s heart ache fiercely in her chest as she savored the affectionate touch._

_“Be patient with him, el encanto.” she had murmured, her tone dropping so low that Jen had to strain her ears to pick out her words over the activity that was going around them. “He pretends to be tough, but what happened tonight has shaken him.”_

_“I will.” she had promised, her own hand coming to rest on Lucia’s fondly._

    Jen glanced at Rafael as she removed the mugs from her kitchen cupboard, the sound of the kettle bubbling in the background. His muscular arms were crossed over his broad chest as he leaned against the black speckled work surface, still clad in his unzipped chocolate brown winter jacket. He reached out for Jen, his hand enclosing gently on her wrist before he tugged her towards him with the utmost care. Jen went willingly, slipping into the shelter of his jacket as his arms wrapped lovingly around her, cradling her close. His closed his eyes for a moment, inhaling her sweet floral scent deeply.

    Jesus, it had come too close today. When he’d seen the revolver clenched in Cullen’s fist he had had no doubt that the other man had come to kill him. His only thoughts had been of Jen, of the hours that they had spent entwined in one another, those three little words were always on his lips but never left his mouth. He had thought that he would die tonight, alone in his house without her ever knowing the truth about how he felt.

    During the course of his entire life he had found it hard to express his feelings. He had known his father had beaten his mother from an early age, he had spent years feeling powerless, tucked into his bed, the covers pulled over his head trying to distance himself from the thuds and the screams. When his father came in late, Rafi always knew it was time to run and hide. His mother had instilled that into him from long before even he could remember.

    Even now, there were some nights he would wake up, his heart pounding, that fear constricting his chest until he remembered that the son of a bitch was dead. Growing up, he had pretended everything was normal, he was just like all the other kids with loving families, that his father didn’t hit his mother or terrorize him. He had learned that his father liked to ridicule him, that if Rafi allowed any ounce of emotion to flash across his features that his father would pounce on it and it would become another reason for a beating. So he forced it all down inside of him, he learned to wear a mask, to distance himself.

    The truth was even after his mother had left his father and then eventually the bastard had died, he had never really learned how to take off his armor. The real Rafael was still shrouded behind layers of expensive suits and snark, he never allowed himself to be an actual person, to consider his wants and needs. The one time he had…

    Well there was a reason he had avoided Yelena and Alex before the two of them had almost dismantled his career.

    With Jen though, it was different. When they were together that mask of his slipped away, he was Rafael Barba, the man, not the ADA and he loved her for it. She was the only person he could be himself around. His hopes, his fears, she knew every single one of them and he knew that she would never use them against him. Jen was his safe haven, the port in the storm and he belonged to her heart, body and soul.

    “I love you.” he whispered fiercely into her ear. “It’s all I could think about…”

    “I know.” Jen murmured, a small smile gracing her pert pink lips as she tilted her head so that Rafael could see the honesty of her forthcoming words. “I fell in love with you the night I heard you sing, it was the first time I actually saw who you were and it meant everything to me.”

    “You have no idea how happy that makes me.” Rafael told her, his earnest smile breaking Jen’s heart as those other images rebounded around the inside of her head. She knew how close they had gotten to losing him tonight, she thought of the child he had almost never known, the one that they had created together last Christmas. The words were already tumbling from her lips before she could stop them.

    “I’m pregnant.”

    In a second, it was all over. She felt the moment he withdrew from her acutely. He took a step back putting some distance between the two of them as he stared at her stunned. She watched as those walls of his slammed down, blocking her out completely.

    “The doctor confirmed I’m about 9 weeks this morning.” she submitted into the growing silence between them. Rafael said nothing, he simply nodded his acknowledgment at the words as he pieced together the information at hand. He’d already come to the same conclusion that she had about the time of conception, it was in the way he rolled his eyes skyward, undoubtedly cursing himself for being so unbelievably stupid.

    He rubbed his palm across the dark stubble that lined the shape of his jaw before exhaling deeply. Jen’s gaze slipped down to his balled left fist and she knew he was struggling to keep himself in check. His control had already been stripped away from him once tonight and now she was doing it all over again.

    “I can’t do this.” Rafael finally emitted, his voice rough with emotion as he spoke. “We’ve talked about this, I can’t be a father. You know…”

    Jesus she knew better than anyone the terror he had endured at the hands of his father and it tore her up inside that it had damaged him so badly. The fear he was feeling right now, it was very real. Jen knew it was taking every single ounce of his self restraint not to give into the immense anxiety that he was feeling. She reached out gently, her dainty hands coming to rest on his biceps, her palms rubbing up and down his arms in a soothing manner as their gazes locked once more.

    “I know that you don’t want a family and that’s ok…” she told him kindly.

    Rafael stared at her, the expression on his taut features livid. The muscles in his broad chest were aching, that knot of panic twisting in his stomach as his throat closed up leaving him utterly unable to speak. He wanted to tell her that it wasn’t true, that it wasn’t that he didn’t want a family, it was that he couldn’t let himself have one. The echoes of his past still haunted his dreams, the screaming, the fists and then the belt…

    Those bruises had faded but the emotional scars, they would never leave him. He would carry them upon his shoulders as long as he lived. His father’s words were still ringing in his ears even after all of these years.

   _You should never been born…_

_You changed everything, I wish you’d died._

    Those were usually his two particular favorites. The ones that Rafael had come to believe. He knew he’d ruined his mother’s life, his father had told him that every damn day. He tried to make up for it but it wasn’t enough, it was never going to be enough. Genetically he was set to fail, his father’s blood still ran rampant through his veins. He’d become the man he hated and that cycle of abuse, the one that he had seen happen a hundred of times before, would start all over again.

    “I can’t do it.” he said, his voice breaking as he spoke, his emerald eyes red rimmed and tortured as he met her gaze. “I can’t raise this baby…”

    It was the first time she had ever heard him sound so defeated. It wounded her to hear him talk like that, to hear him say those words. She had known that this was coming but she hadn’t realised how acute the sheer agony of it all would be.

    They didn’t speak, they simply stood there for a moment as Rafael’s words hung in the air between them. There was nothing left to say. No grand speeches, no arguments, just the weight of that silence slowly suffocating the both of them, making it almost unbearable to breath.

    Rafael turned his back on his lover and his unborn child before leaving the apartment and closing the door quietly behind him.  


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mike reveals his own secret to his father.

The diner was a place that Mike frequented often with his father, usually on a Friday before the two of them started work. They would grab breakfast together , catch up over a few cups of coffee and discuss the latest caseload. Today though, today was very different. They had spent the past hour going over the events of previous night. Mike hadn’t been surprised that his father had heard about what had happened to Barba, apparently it was the talk of the town up at 1PP. A cop trying to kill an ADA was big news and the press had been all over it from the very second the call had gone out over the radio. The press had still been camping outside the brownstone when Mike had left the scene a little over two hours ago, he figured Barba knew well enough to stay away from the house for the next few days.

    “You alright?” William asked his son, gesturing at his son’s half finished meal with the white coffee mug in his hand. “Its not like you to not finish a meal.”

    If he was honest William had noticed that Mike had seemed out of sorts over the past few weeks. He had originally put it down to the nature of the work, SVU wasn’t for everybody and the cases that had come across his son’s desk were harrowing. However according to Benson, Mike seemed to excel in that environment, the only real danger was that his son may get to comfortable in SVU and be unwilling to move on when the slot in the counter terrorism unit became available. Which meant whatever was going on with him was personal. He knew his son had been seeing someone, he had no specifics and he hadn’t pushed, Mike liked to keep his private life private and he respected that. He figured Mike would introduce them when he was ready.

    “Dad.” Mike started, pushing the plate away from him before resting his elbows upon the surface of the table and clasping his hands together. “There’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about…”

    William eyed his son’s white knuckles before his gaze flickered up, taking in the pursed lips and deeply furrowed dark brow. He set his coffee mug down, a knot developing in his stomach as he gave Mike his full attention. To his memory he had seen Mike like this once before and that time…

    Well it turned out his other son Matt had hadn’t been as good at keeping his nose clean as William had originally thought. Mike had confessed to bailing his brother out multitudes of times due to his drinking and of course, his drug use. Only the last time Matt had got busted for dealing and that was something that Mike couldn’t make go away, so he’d been forced to tell his father the truth. He’d been his brother’s keeper for years and William had had no clue at all until that moment. He’d seen the guilt in Mike’s face then too and he hated it, he hated the fact that Matt used Mike the way he did and he despised the fact that Mike felt like he hadn’t been able to come to him.

    “What’s Matty gotten himself into this time?” William found himself asking as he leaned across the table, making sure to meet his son’s gaze. Mike shook his head, exhaling deeply through his nose, tearing himself away from his father’s intense stare.

    “Not him this time.” Mike said, with an ironic smile. “It’s me.”

    William studied his oldest son intently, his brain racing a mile a minute over all of the possibilities as Mike sat before him, his eyes averted towards the diner window as if to distance himself from the reality of the conversation. He had never seen his son look so ashamed before and it cut into William like a knife, he would do anything, anything in the world to strip that grimace away from Mike’s features but he had to know what the problem was before he could even begin to fix it. He reached out, his weathered hand coming to rest upon Mike’s clasped ones as his voice lowered an octave.

    “You can tell me anything.” he said resolutely, his tone paternal. “Whatever is tearing you up inside you can tell me.”

    “I fell in love Dad.” Mike whispered, his voice breaking just a little as he lowered his gaze to the surface of the table. “I fell in love with a man and then I fucked it all up.”

    There was a silence for a moment. It took William a second to absorb those words and when he did, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off his chest. Jesus, he thought it was much worse, he thought his son had done something terrible or committed a crime. The relief hit him in a wave and he found himself patting Mike’s hands gently as he ducked his head to catch his son’s gaze.

    “Mike, give your old man a little credit.” William stated, his eyes full of sincerity as he regarded his oldest son. “If you’re gay, you’re gay. I don’t have a problem with that.”

    Mike tilted his head up, his familial green eyes searching his father for any signs of deception. The expression on his face was earnest, his body language was open and inviting. His father looked almost relieved at the admission.

    “Tell me about this guy.” His father prompted him, picking up his coffee mug once more before taking a sip from it. “I wanna know more about why you think you fucked up.”


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A series of texts exchanged by members of the precinct.

Sonny Carisi: Hey, sorry I missed you last night. It was all hands on deck with this thing with Barba.

    Jess Hartley: Don’t worry about it, I was also otherwise occupied last night.

    Jess Hartley: Picture message attached.

    Sonny Carisi: I feel like I should be jealous but morning sickness…

    Jess Hartley: She woke me up at 5am, tossing up her cookies and has been passed out ever since.

    Sonny Carisi: That’s rough, you’re a good friend and I think she needs that right now.  I take it things didn’t go so well between her and Barba?

    Jess Hartley: I’m trying really hard not to judge him right now but walking out on her like that… He is not making it easy.

    Sonny Carisi: I kinda get it from what Jen’s told me but I know where you’re coming from. It’s taking everything I have not to march into his office and give him hell.

    ———————————————-

    William Dodds: Have you spoken to him yet?

    Mike Dodds: Dad, it’s been two hours since I left you in the diner. I’ve got work to do remember.

    William Dodds: Just saying… The longer you leave it…

    Mike Dodds: I will speak to him tonight, I promise.

    William Dodds: There are worse son in laws than Daniel Vaughn… He’s a pretty good catch Mike.

    Mike Dodds: Stop Googleing him!

    William Dodds: I didn’t get to speak to him that much at that fundraiser we were at. I wanted to see what I was missing.

    ————————————————————

    Mike Dodds: My Dad’s driving me crazy.

    Jen Davis: And you thought coming out was going to be the hard part :p

    Mike Dodds: Yea, it went better than expected.  Barba doesn’t seem to have missed a step, I heard he was back in his office first thing this morning chewing out the clerks.

    Jen Davies: Yea he tends to do that.

    Mike Dodds: I just think it’s weird he didn’t take up the DA’s offer to take the day off and spend it at home with you.

    Jen Davies: You’re reading into it too much.

    Mike Dodds: Am I?

    Jen Davies: You’ve been a cop too long Mike :p I’m gonna try and get some sleep. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

    —————————————

    Olivia Benson: I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing.

    Rafael Barba: Good, just reworking my schedule so that I can attend the arraignment this afternoon.

    Olivia Benson: You know you could have taken the day off, given yourself a little head space.

    Rafael Barba: I don’t have the luxury, I’ve got several cases that require my attention.

    Olivia Benson: Did you sleep at all last night?

    Rafael Barba: You’re not my social worker Liv, nor my mother.

    Olivia Benson: But I could call your mother.

    Rafael Barba: And worry her even more, you wouldn’t do that. You don’t have it in you.

    Olivia Benson: You look like hell Rafael. I don’t think it would hurt to take a couple of days to recover, physically and mentally.

    Rafael Barba: I told you I’m fine.

    Olivia Benson: If you say so.

    ———————————————————

    Sonny Carisi: You sure you’re ok with this Teddy Hawkins thing?

    Jen Davis: I’ve already made the contact, he’s expecting me and my ‘niece’ on Friday night. I pull out now we blow the operation.

    Sonny Carisi: Yea but you know the baby…

    Jen Davis: We’ve done this 100 times before and you’ll be right there, so will the rest of the squad. Teddy is coercive not violent.

    Sonny Carisi:  He’s never been caught before, we don’t know what his reaction will be.

    Jen Davis: I will take every single precaution, I promise. I just can’t blow this, those girls…They’re depending on me.

    Sonny Carisi: I know and I get it, I just don’t want anything to happen to my future godchild.

    Jen Davis: Godchild huh?  You sure you want that responsibly? Remember this child is part Barba.

    Sonny Carisi: All the more reason to help guide it’s journey through life. Let’s hope it gets the majority of your genes otherwise we’re gonna have a smartass on our hands.

    ————————————————-

    Mike Dodds: Jen’s booked in to brief the UC from the academy tomorrow morning. We’ll be ready to go ahead with the operation as planned on Friday.

    Olivia Benson: Good, have you checked in with her since last night?

    Mike Dodds: She says she’s doing ok.

    Olivia Benson: You don’t believe her.

    Mike Dodds: I feel that there’s more going on.

    Olivia Benson: She’s not as fragile as you think. She’s come a long way since she took that mental health leave. We have to trust her.

    Mike Dodds: I do trust her… It’s just something doesn’t feel right.

    Olivia Benson: Keep an eye on her, if anything does come up let me know.

    Mike Dodds: Of course.


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barba faces his attacker in court.

 The courtroom was crowded,more crowded than Rafael had seen it in a along time and that as saying something considering the publicity of some of his cases. He didn’t need to tilt his head to see the rows of journalists, notepads at the ready to lap up the details that would be revealed at the arraignment.

    A cop trying to murder an ADA, that was big news these days and the fact that it was him only made the pot sweeter. Over the years he had earned the reputation as an advocate for the victims of sexual violence. His face had been all over the news more times than he could count and he should feel honored that so many reporters had shown up today. In the public’s eyes he would be written up as a hero, especially after he delivered his statement on the steps of the courthouse just as his boss had requested.

    Despite all the people around him Rafael didn’t think that he’d ever felt so alone. He had taken measured steps this morning in an attempt to fortify himself but he knew that nothing could prepare him for the moment that he laid eyes on Cullen again. He’d managed to grab a shower and one of his suits from his mother’s ensuring that he was dressed for the occasion the same way he was every other day he stepped into court. He wanted people to think that this was business as usual for him, that what had happened hadn’t effected him. He’d held his head up high when he had entered the courtroom, the bruises on the left side of his face were more prominent this morning, the black and purple marring his tanned skin. His demeanor had been cool and collected, he was Rafael Barba, the tenacious prosecutor who had survived an attempt on his life.  Now he was sitting on the front bench of the gallery, simply waiting for Cullen’s name to be called. Each tick of the clock on the wall felt like it stretched on and on and on. The memories from the previous night were running through his mind as he sat there, his hands clasped together in his lap, the skin of his knuckles stretched white over the bone.

    He remembered how his heart had smashed against his rib cage, the violent crack that echoed through the silence as his head hit the wall in hall. The red hot blood running into his eyes as Cullen had wrenched his right arm up his back.  He had thought of Jen in those moments, of her walking in unexpectedly and finding herself staring down the barrel of a gun and in the end it was like a part of him had snapped. He fought to live, to make sure that she lived.

    He felt Jen’s unmistakable presence before she took up residence on the wooden bench alongside of him. Her sweet floral scent flooded his nostrils as he inhaled deeply, allowing himself this moment. The muscles were already starting to relax by the time he exhaled, the palpitations in his chest beginning to reside. He had always been able to draw strength from her, even when the two of them had fought like hell over Alex. It was her that had given him the courage to face that particular demon. The fact she was here now, it meant the world to him, more than he could bring himself to tell her in these torrid moments.

    Her dainty hand came to rest on his when Cullen’s name was called. Rafael found himself squeezing it involuntary as he watched as the other man was led into the room. His blond hair was a mess, still sticking up at all angles the same way it had been last night when Fin had torn the mask from his face. The swelling around his nose had started to go down but like Rafael, the bruising was more prevalent. His nose was still a mess, the bone was crooked and jarred to the left. Barba felt a sick sense of satisfaction at the knowledge that he had been the one to break it.

    It was only a couple of minutes however it felt like that time stretched out for hours. He had half hoped that Cullen would plead guilty to the charge of attempted murder, spare them all the mess and publicity of a trial. However life wasn’t fair and to Rafael it never had been. The plea of not guilty was entered before the prospect of bail was discussed.

    This was the part that Rafael worried about. If Cullen was released on bail he would spend the next six months looking over his shoulder, waiting for a bullet he might not ever see. On top of that he had Jen’s welfare to consider. Cullen may switch up tactics if he found Rafael too much of a challenge.

    “The defendant will be remanded into custody until sentencing.”

    The relief that Rafael felt was immense, for the first time today he could breath without feeling that anxiety rising up inside of his chest. Cullen was already being led way, the next name being called to replace him. Rafael turned his head towards Jen, he opened his mouth to say something but the words died on his lips. Her right palm was resting lightly on her stomach, smoothing over the fabric as she rubbed the space as if soothing the tiny life that was growing inside of her. He knew the movement was unconscious, Jen didn’t even realise she was doing it. He felt the sorrow crashing into him like a tidal wave. His shoulders sagged, his chest aching with the emotion that was building there. He couldn’t do this, he couldn’t be here right now. Seeing her interacting with their unborn child was like being stabbed in the heart over and over again. Everything he wanted was right there in front of him, taunting him but he simply couldn’t bring himself to take it.

    He found himself drawing away from her, the woman who moments ago he had allowed himself to take shelter in. He rose to his feet, straightening his expensive, navy blue suit jacket. His mask, the one he always wore so well, slipping back into place. There was no room for vulnerabilities right now, he couldn’t afford to show weakness. The sharks were circling and they could already smell blood in the water.

    He didn’t risk looking back at Jen, the instant he did his facade would fall apart and he couldn’t allow that to happen. His motions were mechanical as he stepped out of the gallery, mentally preparing himself to address the crowd that were awaiting outside upon the steps of the courthouse.


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mike has a question to ask Daniel.

   In the month that they had been apart somehow Daniel Vaughn had managed to become even more handsome. His usual rugged stubble had grown into a sophisticated goatee making him look devastatingly roguish. It gave the other man a more dangerous edge, one that Mike found himself enjoying as he took in the way that light grey t-shirt clung to the human rights lawyer’s lean form. His over washed jeans were restinglow on his hipbones, revealing a tiny sliver of smooth flesh. Mike wanted to get on his knees and, his hands lightly guiding those jeans even lower as nipped at the sensitive skin just below  the line of Daniel’s pelvis. A raw heat flushed through his body as he thought of the coarse noises that would escape Daniel’s lips as his teeth grazed over that deviant spot.

    He jerked his gaze up and found himself once again ensnared by captivating blue eyes of his. He’d forgotten how easy it was to get lost in this man, there was something about Daniel that just made it so god damned easy. His chocolate colored hair was swept into a side parting, pushed away from his face. Mike felt the fingers of his left hand twitch at the memory of raking his fingers through Daniel’s thick hair. He missed those days, he missed this man. His world didn’t feel right without Daniel in it.

    “Mike.” Daniel greeted him, there was surprise in his voice but it was the good kind. It made Mike think that maybe he should have come around earlier. “Have you come to arrest me or is this a social call?”

    There was a humorous lilt in Daniel’s voice and in that moment it felt like the past month hadn’t happened at all, that the two of them had never broken up. The left side of Daniel’s mouth curved up into that sweet, side smile of his. It was very clear that their feelings for each other hadn’t changed in the time they’d been apart, the knowledge of that made Mike’s heart soar as he gestured to the interior of Daniel’s apartment.

    “I was hoping that I could come in.” Mike requested, his hands delving back into the pockets of his tan raincoat, his fingers groped for the silver ring in his right pocket. He let the metal bite into the tips of his fingers as Daniel opened the door for him to step over the threshold.

    The first thing Mike noticed was the lack of suitcases alongside the door. Throughout the duration of their relationship Mike didn’t think he had ever seen the space unoccupied and it let him to conclude several things as he allowed himself to review the apartment in more detail.

    Daniel’s apartment was usually impeccable, he had joked a few times that it looked barely lived in and Daniel had shrugged it off stating he was on the road all the time so he only came home to sleep and shower. It had been true, Daniel was only home for a few days before he was jetting off to another state. These days it looked more like a home than it ever had, there was clean laundry half folded on the dining room table, the TV was on with the highlights from the latest game playing at a low volume.

    “You been home for a while?” Mike asked, his eyebrows furrowing into a frown as Daniel closed the door behind him.

    “Yea.” Daniel responded, rubbing the back of his dark head sheepishly with his hand as he looked at Mike. “I requested a permanent placement here in New York a couple of months ago. I wanted to be around more…”

    Daniel trailed off before shrugging his shoulders. The implication was there and Mike felt his mouth go dry as he considered the math. He crossed his arms over his chest, ignoring the ache in his chest as he spoke gruffly.

    “You did it for me right?” He questioned, his green eyes flickering up to meet Daniel. “You wanted to be around more for me?”

    Daniel sighed out loud before perching himself on the edge of the couch as he addressed Mike.

    “We were talking about starting a family eventually.” Daniel reminded him gently. “I thought if I didn’t travel so much that it would give the both of us a more solid foundation when you decided you were ready to come out and take that step.”

    It took a second for Mike to absorb that information. They had talked about Daniel’s job, about getting married and having kids. They were both at the height of their careers, Mike was still climbing the ladder but Daniel was happy with his place as a human rights attorney. Mike had never told Daniel how lonely he truly felt during the nights they spent apart but his lover had seen it somehow, he had seen that Mike needed support and that required having someone there fighting in his corner. Daniel had put himself aside and tried to invest in their future and somehow Mike had fucked it up completely.

    “You never told me.” Mike murmured, sinking down into the seat besides Daniel, the weight of those words crushing down on him as he once again realized how much pressure he had been putting on his lover by not making that choice to step outside of the closet.

    “It was just before we had that fight.” Daniel informed him, his fingers toying with the slender, black, leather ‘charity’  bracelet on his wrist. “They notified me I got the position a few weeks ago. I wanted to call but it didn’t seem fair considering that I was the one that wanted to take a break.”

    Mike put his head in his hands, his palms rubbing at his weary features as he spoke.

    “I fucked up Danny.”

    Daniel shook his head, scooting closer to Mike, his elbows coming to rest upon his thighs. He dipped his head lower so that he could read the profile of his lover’s handsome features. It was tragic seeing Mike like this, he remembered how heartbroken his detective had looked when he’d told Mike he wanted to take a break. He was seeing that same expression now and he hated it, he hated that he was the cause of it once more.

    “We both fucked up.” Daniel said resolutely, his right hand patting Mike’s knee tenderly. “The past few weeks without you… I hate not waking up with you.”

    Mike placed his left hand on top of Daniel’s their fingers entwining as his thumb smoothed over the back of his lover’s hand.

    “I don’t know what I did before you came into my life.” Mike told him, his words sincere as he met Daniel’s even gaze. “I told my father about you, he says he couldn’t ask for a better son in law.”

    “Son in law?” Daniel questioned as Mike’s hand dipped into his pocket and pulled out silver Celtic wedding band he’d been carrying around with him for the past six weeks.

    “Yea, I mean if you’ll have me.” Mike said with a loving smile as he held up the ring for Daniel to see. “Daniel Vaughn, would you do me the honor of becoming my husband?”


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liv gets real with Barba.

    The desk lamp was on in Barba’s office when Liv arrived. She could see the dull light emitting from between the slats in the blinds as she approached the ADA’s door, the carrier bag of Chinese food swinging back and forth in time with her steps. His assistant Carmen was long gone, her desk immaculately organised, the same way it always was after she had left the office for the day. Liv paused by the door, her knuckles rapping lightly on the surface of the glossy wood as she listened intently.

    “Enter.” Barba barked causing Oliva to suck in a deep breath in order to fortify herself.

    She already knew he was in a surly mood, she had been able to detect it through the dour texts she had been receiving from him throughout the day regarding their case. His demeanor was no surprise to her upon walking in. He was sitting at the small conference table on the opposite side of his office from his desk. The table was covered in various bits of paperwork along with small stacks of manila files, Barba was slumped back in his seat, his yellow tie hanging loose around his neck, the top button of his crisp, striped shirt open. His sleeves were rolled up to his elbows and in his right hand he clasped a half empty glass of bourbon.

    “Drinking alone in the dark?” Liv murmured, before taking up residence on the seat across from him. “I thought we were past this.”

    The two of them had talked about his drinking in the past. She knew that in the beginning, it had started out as a couple shots of whisky to help him get through the night without dreaming about the things they saw day in and day out. Liv understood it and she had told him that but drinking alone, going over those images over and over again, it was unhealthy. By now he knew that if there was a bad day, all he had to do was call or text and she would happily sit with him, share the misery as it were. There were healthier ways to deal with his negative emotions and to be fair he had been doing well in that respect, he was still a workaholic, they all were but he had a life outside of work, one that didn’t involve the politics of the job. He’d spent the last few months smiling more, Liv knew that he was stepping out of his comfort zone, doing things that made him happy.

    Tonight though, tonight she knew that there was something very wrong in his world. It wasn’t just about the attack or even the displacement it had caused in his life, it was more than that, something far deeper. It was rare that she saw Barba as vulnerable, he kept that armor of his drawn up, shielding himself away from the world but now Liv could sense it now underneath the surface.

    “When was the last time you ate?” she asked him.

    Barba looked down into the depths of his glass, his expression stoic as Liv reached into the brown paper bag she had brought with her and removed several take out containers. She placed pre-wrapped chopsticks in front of Barba before using her fingertips to prod the cardboard container towards him.

    “Eat.” she ordered, before opening her own white takeout box and allowing the aroma of Chinese food to fill the air. Barba sighed, he threw his head back, draining the glass of bourbon before placing it down on the table and making a start on his own food.

    “Not that I don’t enjoy our little late night soirees, but do you want to tell me what this is about?” Liv prompted, pointing her chopsticks in Barba’s general direction as he picked at his food. “And don’t say Cullen, we both know that’s not what this is about.”

    “Can’t a man enjoy a drink in peace without being interrogated about it?” Barba snapped, jabbing his chopsticks into the takeout box. “I wanted a drink so I had a drink.”

    It was more than one drink, Liv could see it from the glaze in those bloodshot emerald eyes of his. He was past being tipsy but he hadn’t quite hit the mark of being drunk, which was good in a way for her. It meant he was more likely to slip up. Sober Barba was guarded, if he didn’t want you to know something you didn’t. This version of him... Well there were already cracks in the armor.

    “Dodds thinks there’s something going on with Jen.” Liv approached delicately.

    Usually she made a point of not getting in between the two of them. Being Jen’s boss and their friend was sometimes a tough line to walk but she managed it and it helped that they didn’t put her in that position. However Barba was struggling, right now she felt like she was watching him drown and she knew it would only get worse the more he receded into himself.

    “All hail Sergeant Dodds and his infinite wisdom.” Barba muttered, rolling his eyes towards the ceiling.

    “So there is something going on with Jen?” Olivia pressed, giving Barba a pointed look which he met evenly.

    Barba put his takeout container back onto the table before clasping his hands together in his lap, his expression strained as he spoke.

    “Jen’s pregnant.”

    Liv sat still for a moment absorbing this information, her mind flicking back over the past couple of weeks. The younger detective had appeared to be more tired recently but she’d seen nothing else to attribute to the pregnancy. The discovery must have been recent.

    “Congratulations.” Liv said genuinely, already knowing that was not the response that Barba wanted to hear.

    “I told her I didn’t want to be involved.” he stated frankly, his gaze turning distant as if he was reliving the moment.

    Liv wished that his response had caught her off guard but the truth was it didn’t. She knew some of Barba’s history, she’d gleaned parts of it from him during their late night drinks. The abuse cases, the violent ones, she could see how vigilant he was, how that righteous fire rose up in him and that vengeance, that fight, the only way you could get that was through living the actual experience.

    “Is that true?” Olivia asked him, pushing her empty cardboard container away from her. “You don’t want to be involved?”

    “It’s better if I’m not.” he answered quietly, setting his own utensils down alongside the takeout box.

    Liv inhaled deeply, before leaning forward and squeezing Barba’s forearm gently with her hand.

    “You’re not your father.” she said quietly, their gazes meeting as she continued to speak. “The same way I’m not mine.”

    The implication was there and when she looked into his red rimmed emerald eyes she knew he fully understood what she was talking about. Their fathers had both been monsters, his had just been a different type.

    “That’s different.” he remarked wryly, withdrawing his arm from Olivia’s grasp. “There’s no such thing as the rape gene.”

    “You think it’s based on nurture not nature?” she mused, leaning back in her seat.

    “I think it’s the right combination of both.” Barba responded, his elbows coming to rest upon the surface of the table as he rubbed at his gritty eyes with his palms. “You know that the cycle of abuse never stops, we see evidence of that everyday.”

    “That’s not true.” Olivia reminded him with a determined expression on her features

    She would not let Barba do this to himself, she would not let her friend become a product of a history that as a child he had no control over. She knew that he felt he didn’t deserve this gift but the truth was there was never anyone that was more deserving. He had spent such a long time alone, isolating himself, he deserved to have someone who loved him, to have his own safe space. She knew he craved a family of his own. It was in the wistful expression when he saw mothers interacting with their children, in the patience he exhibited with Noah when she had to work from home. She thought he would be an excellent father, he just had to step outside of his own head and live the experience instead of holding back.

    “What about all the other people who have suffered, the ones who make a life for themselves?” she pointed out before reaching out and clasping his hand. “Look at everything you’ve made for yourself, everything you’ve accomplished. You protect people, you champion them.”

    Barba clenched her hand lightly in his, inhaling deeply as he allowed her words to sooth over him. She was getting through to him, that turbulent storm was beginning to calm, she could see it in his emerald gaze. Liv continued, her voice softening as she spoke.

    “You’re not part of that pattern. Your father spent years stripping you down, trying to break you. He wanted you to be unhappy. Are you really going to let him ruin your life now from beyond the grave?” she asked him, her thin eyebrow quirked as he regarded her wearily. “I know it’s scary, being a parent is one of the most challenging things that I have ever been through but it is worth it Rafael. I promise you it is.”

    “You’ll help?” he muttered so quietly, she had to strain her ears to hear him. “Because I don’t know how to be someone’s father.”

    “It’s a learning curve.” she told him honestly. “But you’re not doing this alone. You have a whole family here, you have your mom, you have Jen. None of us are going to let you drown.”

    Barba’s sighed out loud, his stare dropping down to the mobile phone, resting alongside the whisky tumbler. It was too late to call Jen, she’d already be asleep and if he was honest he needed a clear head before the two of them talked, he could already feel the whisky buzz wearing off as Liv’s words sank into his head. What he needed was a shower and good night’s sleep so he could start fresh in the morning. Liv was already raising to her feet, her car keys jangling in her hand as she jerked her head at the door.

    “Come on, I’ll give you a ride to your mom’s.” she said with a knowing smile. “Jen will still be around in the morning.”


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny and Jess spent the night together.

Sonny Carisi was in heaven, sheer unadulterated heaven as he moved in unison with Jess, her soft delirious moans resounding in his ears as he drove her slowly to completion. The two of them had been in bed for hours, wrapped in Sonny’s crisp white sheets as they had reverently explored each other’s naked bodies. Being with her was better than any fantasy he had ever had, God, it was better than he could have dreamed. There was an intimacy between the two of them that transcended anything he had experienced with anyone else and all of that waiting, it had been worth it.

Jess was straddling his hips, her gorgeous breasts pressing against his athletic chest. Her fingertips were digging into his shoulders as her slender form clenched around his cock. Sonny’s fingers were combing through her silky dark hair, gripping slightly as he tilted her head back allowing his deviant lips access to her slender throat. His lips burned a blazing trial up to her ear.

“You feel so good wrapped around me sweetheart.” he whispered, his teeth grazing the lobe of her ear. “So wet and so tight for me.”

He inhaled her sweet, jasmine scent. Her whimpers heightening as those dirty, sexy words turned her on even more. The things this woman was doing to him, he had never been with someone so intuitive to his wants, his desires. The way she touched him, the way she tasted on his tongue...

“You gonna come for me again?” he murmured, arching his hips just a little more so he was hitting that sweet spot just inside of her. “You tasted so good on my lips last time but I want to feel you come on my cock.”

God, she was beautiful, so fucking beautiful. Sonny could feel himself starting to lose control as his lover began to tremble once more, his name rolling off her lips like a prayer as he thrust up into her.

“Look at me.” his voice almost a plea as Jess’s brilliant cobalt blue eyes flickered open under those dark lashes of hers, meeting Sonny’s intense stare with one of her own. “I wanna see everything.”

It was the most intense orgasm that Jess had ever experienced, it vibrated through her entire being as Sonny held her lovingly against him, climaxing at the same time. Those stunning blue eyes of his captured her in a way that no one else’s ever could, she could see every part of him, his heart, his soul... She was lost in him all over again as her pert peach lips enclosed over his, muffling his decedent groans. Her hands were running through his dirty blond hair, tugging at the roots as they crested. Sonny moaned at the sensation, his soft fingertips ghosting up along her back. Their kisses became supine as they began to come down from their orgasm.

Her forehead came to rest upon his, that sexy smile of hers crossing her lips. Her fingertips trailed along the curve of his jaw, tipping his head up to meet her enticing gaze.

“You have such a dirty mouth.” she whispered to him in that sweet alluring fashion of hers. Jesus it almost made Sonny hard all over again.

“You weren’t complaining doll.” he murmured as his tempting lips kissed along the line of Jess’s jaw. “In fact I distinctly remember the words don’t stop.”

Jess laughed, that dazzling sound flooded with Sonny’s senses as he tumbled the two of them backwards onto the mattress drawing, the sheets pooling around their hips. Jess snuggled up to Sonny’s naked chest, his arm draped around her shoulders drawing her even closer into his inviting form. His blazing hot fingertips traced patterns on her soft skin, his lips brushing her hairline lovingly. Their legs were entwined, her dainty feet caressing his much larger ones. That sense of serenity, the one that washed over them, it was unparalleled. If there was one place they were supposed to be right now, it was right here with one another.

 


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A series of texts between the Squad

    Mike Dodds: Hey, I’m sorry about last night. My brother is really something else when he gets going. Thanks for coming down to the station with me, I appreciate the support.

    Daniel Vaughn: Mike I told you you don’t need to apologise. Your brother is an addict, that’s why he was in lock up last night. What he said, didn’t get to me. I’m just pissed off he pushed all of your buttons, you deserve better than the shit he gave you.

    Mike Dodds: It’s always the same old story with Matt. He’s always sorry until he’s out the door of the precinct. I just hope he sticks with the program this time.

    Daniel Vaughn: He’s got to want to change and it might work out this time you never know.

    Mike Dodds: Jesus I hope so. This is part of the reason I didn’t want you to meet my family.

    Daniel Vaughn: It went well with your dad the other night :)

    Mike Dodds: Yea, my old man is pretty besotted with you. There’s not many people that manage to impress him.

    Daniel Vaughn: I’m glad that I’m one of them.

    —————————————————

    Olivia Benson: I’m guessing you haven’t spoken to Jen yet.

    Rafael Barba: You did drop a political shit storm right in my lap.

    Olivia Benson: Speaking of which, how did it go with Abraham today?

    Rafael Barba: He tried to make a deal, I informed him the feds were interested in the case and if he doesn’t accept the jail time that I’m offering, then they’re going to come after him with everything they’ve got. I expect to hear from him soon.

    Olivia Benson: Good, I hope he makes the right decision for Pippa’s sake. I can’t imagine what she must be going through.

    ————————————

    Jess Hartley: Hi, just checking in to see how your feeling?

    Jen Davis: Sick but that could just be the whole Abraham thing. Being around this case has really made my skin crawl.

    Jess Hartley: Yea I can imagine, I saw it on the news. Did you book your twelve week scan?

    Jen Davis: Yep, I’m actually really excited, more excited than I thought I could be about it.

    Jess Hartley: You should be, you’re having a baby! By the way, very glad you vitoed Sonny’s attempt to name the baby Khaleesi or Drogo. I should not have lent him the box set and I apologise dearly for that.

    Jen Davis: He also tried to convince me that Dominique or Dominick were great names for the baby this morning. He says the alliteration makes the name pop.

    Jess Hartley: Dominique Davis, Dominick Davis. It kinda does.

    Jen Davis: I’m still not calling the baby either of those.

    Jess Hartley: Agreed, have you come up with any names?

    Jen Davis: Not yet, I think I want to find out the gender before I settle on one.

    Jess Hartley: That’s actually a really good idea. I was also thinking, it’s going to be time to start shopping for maternity clothes soon.

    Jen Davis: The sooner the better, everything is starting to get a little bit tight.

    Jess Hartley: I’m free tomorrow morning, I have the afternoon shift thought so we can’t be too late.

    Jen Davies: Not a problem, I’ll see you then.

    —————————————————-

    William Dodds: Hey, Matt go in ok?

    Mike Dodds: Yea, the come down wasn’t easy but I think it made him realise that he needs to stick with rehab this time around. He’s getting older, his body can’t handle it the same way as it could.

    William Dodds: I just hope it’s enough to get him clean this time around.

    Mike Dodds: Well seven always has been his lucky number.

    ——————————————

    Sonny Carisi: Hey doll, I’m just getting off shift. I just gotta pick up a spare shirt then I’ll swing by and pick you up at the hospital if you’re finished there.

    Jess Hartley: Give me thirty minutes, I’ve just got to complete some paperwork then I’m all yours.

    Sonny Carisi: I like the idea of having you all to myself. I wanna take you home and show you just how much I’m going to miss you while you’re away at that conference.

    Jess Hartley: Sonny, you know how much I like the sound of that. I can’t wait to get home and feel your hands all over me, hear you moan into my ear when I touch you...

    Sonny Carisi: Be careful sweetheart... We may not even make it back to the apartment the way your talking.

    Jess Hartley: Is that a bad thing? ;)


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael and Jen finally get moment to talk.

To say Jen looked gorgeous when she stepped into his office that evening was an understatement. There had always been a brightness in her, one that burned so vividly sometimes that Rafael would be the first to admit that he was dazzled by it but it seemed like there was more now.

It was in the rosy glow of her skin, in the luminosity of her doe brown eyes. Her athletic figure was fuller these days, curvier underneath the fabric of the dusky pink shirt she was wearing over navy blue jeans. Her wavy hair was drawn back into a messy bun, chestnut down tendrils falling over her heart shaped features as she closed the door behind her. Her expression was full of concern as she closed the door behind her, her brilliant gaze fixated on him.

“I thought we had the Abraham case nailed, please don’t tell me he’s found some way to get himself out of this.” she erupted, her hands coming to rest on her hips as she faced him.

Rafael held his hand up to pause her onslaught before gesturing for Jen to take a seat upon the couch.

“It’s not about Abraham.” he stated, the backs of his thighs resting against the conference table as he leaned against it.

The relief on Jen’s face was palpable, Rafael could almost feel it in the air around her as she sunk into the couch, the tension in her shoulders visibly rolling out of her body. He understood her apprehension with that case, he hadn’t been there when the other man had threatened Carisi and Jen’s jobs upon the initial arrest, but he had felt the indignation when Carisi had made a passing comment about it. The need to protect her was fierce inside of him, more so now that he had come to terms with the fact she was carrying his child. Logically he knew she didn’t require his safe guarding, but it didn’t stop that savage instinct, he had practically eviscerated Abraham when he had sat down across from him.

“It’s about us.” Rafael told her, using his hand to indicate towards her stomach. “It’s about our baby.”

There was that rigidity again, he could sense the space between them change as Jen straightened her spine, drawing herself up to her full height as she demurely crossed her ankles. There was a quiet dignity in her response to his words, one that he revered. It was clear that she expected the worst, it was in the way her jaw had set and the directness of her gaze as she met his head on. Despite that she put on a strong front, the same way she always did when she was confronted with something out of her control.

“I love you.” he said simply. “I think I always have, ever since that first night we bumped into each other at the bar. You made me wanted to be a better person, a better man and over the past four years you’ve helped me become that person. You give me so much more than I could ever have hoped for, than I could have even dreamed...”

He paused, swallowing hard against the lump of emotion that was raising in his throat. He didn’t do vulnerability and he was finding it hard to let go of the defences that he had spent a life time erecting. Jen rose to her feet gracefully; his mouth became dry as she moved to stand in front of him. Her dainty hands took his much larger ones in her own, already he could feel their bond stirring to life, thrumming through the two of them as he stared into her exquisite doe brown eyes. He felt those barriers of his tumble, there was no cracks in the mortar, no real warning signs. They simply crumbled away as if they had never been there in the first place.

“I want to raise our baby with you.” he told her, speaking with an honesty that vibrated through the very depths of his heart and his soul. “I want the three of us to be a family.”

 


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael and Jen bond over the baby.

Morning sickness was a bitch. Jen had come to learn that over the past few weeks and it was a lesson she was not content with. Her face felt hot from the exertion of vomiting, her chest still heaving with heavy breathes as Rafael stood over her, rubbing soothing circles in the space between her shoulder blades.

He paused for a moment, pulling away and giving Jen time to wipe her mouth with the back of her hand before she slipped into a sitting position upon the tiled floor of his bathroom. She could hear him running the tap in the porcelain sink as her back came to rest against the luxurious white bath.

Rafael crouched down in front of her, still clad in grey sweatpants and a v-neck black t shirt. He used his fingertips to tilt her chin up so their eyes met before he pressed a cool, damp flannel to her flushed features. The relief was instantaneous, the contrast against her heated flesh made her sigh out loud as Rafael’s palm came to rest upon her stomach.

“He’s really putting you through the ringer.” he murmured as he dabbed her forehead lightly, followed by her cheeks.

“She is putting me through the ringer.” Jen responded, earning a small smile from Rafael.

“Boy, girl, I don’t care so long as it’s healthy.” he reassured her, taking his hand off of her belly and brushing a stray curl back behind her ear. “Are you doing ok?”

“Better.” she told him as he set the flannel down on the side of the bath. “The nausea is starting to subside.”

“Do you feel well enough for toast?” he questioned, his knees creaking as he rose to his feet, clasping Jen’s hands and pulling her up along with him. “If not I picked up some ginger biscuits, apparently they can help alleviate the nausea.”

The truth was he’d picked up a handful of things from the store that were supposed to assist with morning sickness. He’d spent hours researching the ins and outs of pregnancy over the past couple of days, trying to figure out what was best for Jen and the baby, trying to make up for walking away.

Now that he had embraced fatherhood, he found himself excited about what lay ahead. He thought of tiny shoes lined up beside his own by the front door to his brownstone and walks in the park, taking his child to feed the ducks. Last night he had put his files aside and instead spent the time reading on his tablet the best ways to bond with the unborn child and support Jen throughout the duration of this pregnancy. He wanted to be the best that he could be for the two of them, they deserved that from him.

“Give me a sec to clean up.” she told him, squeezing his hands gently before withdrawing from him. “Then I’ll be right out.”

    ——————————————————————————————-

 The tea clasped between Jen’s hands was ginger and lemon, the scent of it flooded through her nostrils settling the rampant nausea that rippled through her stomach as she sipped from the mug. The sickness was beginning to shift, ten weeks in and morning sickness was still a bitch. According to her doctor and Jess they’d be a reprieve once she got past the first trimester, right now Jen longed for that. She felt Rafael’s presence behind her, his chest grazed her back lightly as he wrapped his arms around her waist and drew her even closer. His lips brushed her hair as she leaned back against him settling into his reassuring embrace.

“Sophia...” he whispered into her ear, his warm breath sending a thrill through her. “Mika...”

“Sophia maybe...” she returned as she tucked her head into the crook of his neck. “Unless it’s a boy, in which we can still use Mika or Milo.”

“Not Milo.” Rafael told her. “There was a nasty little dog in the neighborhood called Milo.”

“Milo’s out.” she informed him, before setting her cup down on the kitchen table and turning to face him. Her hands came to rest on his muscular forearms before she allowed her eyes to flicker up and meet his.

“How are you dealing with all of this?” she asked him, her eyes searching for any traces of doubt in his emerald green eyes. “I know the pregnancy was shock to your system and now you get to see it all first hand...”

“It’s fine.” he reassured her, his hand coming to rest upon her belly, his thumb smoothing over the place where he imagined their child resided. “You know I’m here for you and our baby.”

Jen’s forehead came to rest upon his shoulder as he cradled her close, his lips brushing over her hair line reverently before he inhaled deeply. Having her back in his arms was a blessing, one that he thought he would never have again a few weeks ago. Between her and Liv they had reminded him that he had choices, that the path he’d carved out for himself didn’t necessarily lead to one future. He had changed in the past four years, grown more than he had in the time leading up to these moments, perhaps that was what had helped him make the decision he had spent the last year and a half toying with.

Before SVU his ambition had ruled over every aspect of him, everything he had done had been for the lofty goal he had in mind and he had put his whole being into climbing that ladder. Now things were different, he was different. Where the world had once been black and white it was now patterned with hues of grey, making his decisions much more complicated than they had ever been. Over the years his job had weighted on him, his dreams more often than not twisted into nightmares affecting his mental health in more ways than he cared to admit. He had been right when he had said he could not bring a baby into this life, he’d seen the horror the world had to offer and although he’d seen the good it was hard to balance when you were dealing with evil day in and day out.

In the end it was the baby that made the decision for him. He wanted to be both around and present to watch his child grow up, he wanted to help with first steps, hear the first words they spoke, teach them how to tie shoelaces without that darkness hanging over him the way it seemed to every damned day.

    “The university have offered me a position.” he told Jen, his hands smoothing over the curve of her spine as his grizzled cheek came to rest upon her head. “I’m going to take it.”

 


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luka Dominick Barba finally makes his appearance in the world.

Luka Dominick Barba came into the world on a cool Thursday afternoon in the back of Sonny Carisi’s SVU. Jen and Sonny had been on their way back from spending the day, eating candy floss and strolling along the boardwalk at Coney Island when Jen’s waters had broken. She had been complaining about backache on and off throughout the visit, in fact it had been the reason they had decided to cut their day out short. Sonny had suspected that Jen had been in pre-labour for days now. The other detective had just put it off to the usual aches and pains of pregnancy telling him he was being ridiculous until that moisture had appeared between her legs.

Sonny had known they weren’t going to make it to the hospital, he’d been around when his sister had gone into labor so he knew when he heard that guttural sound come out of Jen that this baby was coming now. The timing between her contractions had forced him to pull over and with the help of the 911 operator, the two of them had managed to deliver the squalling baby Barba.

“You did good, partner.” he had murmured to Jen, beaming from ear to ear as he handed that beautiful, wailing newborn over to his mother, wrapped up in black sweater he had tossed in the backseat of his SUV just that morning.

It hadn’t been long after that the paramedics had arrived, whisking both mother and baby off to the hospital, Sonny following closely behind as he spoke to Barba on the hands free device. He had been lucky enough to catch his friend between classes. Barba had peppered him with questions, the baby was a week early so the other man had concerns but Sonny was able to placate each and every one of them as he listen to his friend climb into a cab.

Rafael hadn’t been able to stop thanking him after he had reached the hospital, his expression as the picture of gratitude as he clasped Sonny’s hands tightly making sure the other man knew he meant every single word.

Sonny had left the hospital over an hour ago and now it was just the three of them. Jen, himself and Luka, his divine little family was healthy and happy in this private, little hospital room tucked away from everything else.

Rafael hadn’t been able to take his eyes off of his son since the nurse had placed him in his arms. His tiny cappuccino colored features were scrunched up as if in a perpetual scowl, his rosebud lips parted as he made a low babble of noises. He was swaddled tightly in a pastel green blanket resting contently in the safety of his father’s arms. Rafael had never seen something so beautiful, he had once been terrified at the prospect of this small child, that he would be incapable of the love his baby boy deserved.

However sitting here now, cradling their son against his chest, he realised that all of that worry had been completely redundant. The wealth of love he had for Jen and this child was limitless, they had made his world a better place and he couldn’t imagine his life without the two of them in it.

Thankfully, Rafael thought as his lips graced his son’s tiny forehead, he would never have to.

 


End file.
